Narcissism Humor Lovers Pillows

Vampire Selfies

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

'Remember you told me to be friendly to your boss.'

How About Serving Us For a Change

"I'm treating you like a living deity for one day."

Have you ever read Dickens, minion? No. Businessman of the Year. Armstrong Maynard. How about Upton Sinclair? John Steinbeck? Who? … Marx? Mark's what? Thank you for reminding me why I hired you, minion. Can I take my weekly lunch break today instead of Friday?

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

'My dear boy its a wonderful display of post modern expressionism with overtones of Dada.'

"On a personal note, my wife, Ann, and I have agreed to separate, as I've fallen in love with the sound of my own voice."

'You certainly picked your moment to propose!'

I'm buying last year's car today with next year's money.

Know-it-alls

'Don't get worked up - that's one you didn't bail out.'

"Of course you don't need to tell me about your procurement plans for the year ahead. That would spoil the surprise and give us time to deliver value for money and who needs that?!"

Ok, I know a sarcastic slow clap when I hear one.

My parents went to a t-shirt shop and all they got me was this lousy tattoo.

'We may have found the guy who invented dynamite.'

'What do you mean 'What would Jane Austen do?''

Today's guest will discuss his narcissistic personality disorder. This relentless spotlight-hog drove everyone from his life! Click. Hey! He sounded interesting. How come you turned it off? I'm not giving him the attention. That's learn him!

I wish I never had to ride on another bus for as long as I live. Is there a Greek God of cabs I can pray to? I think his name is "Hackus." Bus.

'Oh well, there's always Photoshop!'

'Why so early?'

Football anagrams(Did vain goal.). Answer: David Ginola.

Is my driving p***ing you off yet?

"God, I'll never eat another hot dog again after seeing how they're made!"

"Joey, can you help me out here?"

"Climate change? That's about as likely as a meteorite..."

Adam: The magazine by Adam, about Adam!

'Sorry, we couldn't pry the remote from his fingers.'

'This motel doesn't have WiFi. So NOW who's going to babysit the kids??'

Model's aspirations

'I've got a picture og my boss in my wallet, Whenever I feel too happy, I take a look at it,'

'Egomania in Transylvania.'