Narcissism Humor Lovers Pillows

Vampire Selfies

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

'Remember you told me to be friendly to your boss.'

How About Serving Us For a Change

"I'm treating you like a living deity for one day."

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

'My dear boy its a wonderful display of post modern expressionism with overtones of Dada.'

'You certainly picked your moment to propose!'

Know-it-alls

"On a personal note, my wife, Ann, and I have agreed to separate, as I've fallen in love with the sound of my own voice."

I'm buying last year's car today with next year's money.

"Of course you don't need to tell me about your procurement plans for the year ahead. That would spoil the surprise and give us time to deliver value for money and who needs that?!"

My parents went to a t-shirt shop and all they got me was this lousy tattoo.

'We may have found the guy who invented dynamite.'

"God, I'll never eat another hot dog again after seeing how they're made!"

'What do you mean 'What would Jane Austen do?''

Is my driving p***ing you off yet?

'Why so early?'

"Climate change? That's about as likely as a meteorite..."

"Joey, can you help me out here?"

'Oh well, there's always Photoshop!'

Adam: The magazine by Adam, about Adam!

'Sorry, we couldn't pry the remote from his fingers.'

Model's aspirations

'I've got a picture og my boss in my wallet, Whenever I feel too happy, I take a look at it,'

'This motel doesn't have WiFi. So NOW who's going to babysit the kids??'

"I liked you better when I was totally unaware of your existence."