Musical Tryout Gifts

Twig! You've been showering for hours. Tryouts for the musical are today. I have to look fabulous! Think of the environment! I've got it covered! Oh really? Really. I'm not showering for three days! He's my carbon offset.

'They all want to play the star.'

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

Tuning Up for the Air Guitar Competition

'I was up for a part in the Producers...'

The team video didn't spotlight my talents. I've hired my own film crew. They'll showcase my skills so college recruiters can see my strengths. Wow! How can the director pack so much into one little video? Great point! Daddy? Tell Steven Spielberg we're going feature length. Nice save!

"Which part are you reading for?"

Runt! You'll never make the team. We'll see! You can't even tie your shoelace! Great technique!

"If you want to sing in our band, you'll have to overcome your fear of using double negatives."

"Sorry, I meant to say "good luck", not "break a leg"..."

Presenter Auditions.

"Thank you, Mr. Mulvaney, but what we're really looking for is someone with talent."

'They're only interested in computer generated mammoths.' (Theatrical Agent).

"Bob, you're just not selling me on you essential hamburgerness."

"Well, you're certainly on our short list."

"Sorry, dude. . . but you just don't fit into our group!"

THEATRICAL AGENCY, 'We have an opening to do some commercials - How'd you like to be the LEAST interesting man in the world?'

"You've been offered a role as a husband who's been married for thirty years."

Ventriloquist Audition

Casting Director

I'm trying out for the spring play. You'll be great! Ha! You'll be grateful to be an usher, Meryl Creep. Yeah. The good parts go to real actors. Sigh. The arts are sooo uplifting.

"The guy's a natural!"

"I got another callback. My agent says it's between me and the guy who's going to get it."

The battle of the pianos.

"This is a blind audition, right?"

'To be honest Mr Gregson, I've seen better escapologists, goodnight.'

She's a natural.

"This could be fun! Don't you do magic tricks, Cruz?"

"This isn't his audition...he's telling us about being an actor."

'Congratulations. All but one of you has been short listed.'

"Remember, you're a 17-year old fashion model. Now go out and act like you've never acted before."

Well, it's not my fault if nobody bothered to tune the microphone.'

'Now here's an Actor with real gravitas!'

'You see, I would make a great goalkeeper...'

"Don't we thing Arlene would make a perfect Medea?"