Mortgage Jester Pillows

"Since you had so much fun with the Home Equity Loan I gave you, this year's stocking will be filled with a shiny new Notice of Foreclosure."

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

'Whe they said 'God is my Judge', I didn't realize He was a real attorney.'

"Liable to flooding? Whatever gives you that idea sir?"

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

'He does.'

man fishing at a dock sees a billboard: Do You Know It's Anniversary

Why markets crash.

"Its been on the market for over two years. The estate agent reckons it's something to do with negative edibility!"

"Objection, your honor, my client's feelings are being hurt."

"Actually, I used them as collateral for a loan."

'In this class you will learn to apply the talents of creative writing to accounting.'

GAS. If you have to ask, you probably can't afford it.

IRS Audits. Do you have tax records? No, I pay about the same as most people.

"Are you sure you haven't overvalued the worth of your business?"

"I don't consider a missing four million dollars to be 'monkeyshines'."

'Wait a minute....!

"I see a girl, I see a marriage, I see her not understanding you, I see a beer belly. Do you want me to go on?"

Estate Agent showing client his parents' house - '...and here's one from our affordable homes range'

"You gave us quite a scare there Mr. Edwards! We thought we lost your credit card information."

"The interest rate can't go any lower, so if necessary, we'll have to go back to pounds of flesh."

'So, they weren't interested in your Robin Hood tax then.'

'The bad news is that we're only in it for the money.'

'I guess you could say we're a 'faith-based' company. Everyone worships the dollar around here.'

'Dear sir, every month we place all bills in a big pile on the table, and select six at random for payment...'

"I recommend you invest in oil. Prices are down now, but auto leaks are up."

10 Days Without an Interest Rate Change

'With the economy the way it is, there's no silver lining. In fact we sold that last week!'

"Prospectus in not spelt P...R...O...A...G...A...N...D...A."

'I'm married to my job, and now it wants a trial separation!'

"Of course we're not in a recession. No one has even jumped out of a window."

"If you can't take it with you, this must be Hell."

"In light of current market conditions, I've diversified your portfolio to include Lotto tickets and bingo chips."

'We've minimized your tax liability by losing a lot of your principle.'

'I might even change my views on genetics research if scientists could genetically engineer supreme court appointees!'