Mortarboard Humorist Pillows

"Is it true you wear a mortar board because you're thick as a brick?"

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

Indian rajah rowing elephant in a monsoon flood.

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

"Good Lord! Life on Mars...adorable life on Mars!"

"Gee, thanks pal."

Welcome to Mauritius Home of the Dodo Burger

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

"The universe is expanding! Of course I'm expanding too!"

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

"My wife is the queen of misheard lyrics! Listen to her singing carefully next time: it's hilarious..."

'He doesn't like people walking in - try crawling.'

"I see the White House didn't lower the flag to half staff."

"So, like, don't make any big plans for this weekend."

'Mr. Dunbarter, your fantasy that 'greed is good' may be a case of economic insanity.'

"That's not a knife crime initiative. That's a knife crime initiative!"

'I don't think the employees like me.'

"I'm starting my own movement—Occupy Fifty-Seventh Street."

'Flight simulator'

Looks Like They're Finally Renovating The Toilet

"I'm the Class Clown fish."

'You're supposed to bring the newspaper to ME!'

"I swear, Mr. Drumpf, I meant it in the best sense of the word." "Mr. Drumpf is a moron."

Japanese Whaling

Well yes, I am a Blue Whale, but that doesn't mean I'm depressed...

German School

Bank P45's - 'Cashier number 5 please.'

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"What are you doing?"

"You can't offend me. I never mix religion or politics with reality."

Man with dollar sign on his t-shirt.

The Evolution Of Man

I know it seems a bit misplaced, but it does pay all the wedding expenses !'

Harris, our Annual Report has been criticised for lack of clarity - well done.