Morning Tv Critic Gifts

A man eats his breakfast while staring at a TV that reads "Please stand by until we find a format for a popular 7 a.m.- 9 a.m. program."

'This has the makings of their toughest season ever.'

Difference of Opinion

American Idle.

Stop! Stop what? Do not change the channel! Sex, death, harrowing footage of the most remarkable story you've ever seen, tattoos, rock-n-roll, action, action, action! It's all coming right up, right after this five second break for station identification. Five seconds ... You're watching Rock Television. And now back to our ... bored. Welcome to ABC. We've got thrills, action, more thrills ... Click. I've got your action right here. We've created a monster. Click click click click click cl-

Man: 'How cute. He must like the movement.' Cat: 'There are some challenging themes here but little or no dramatic resonance.'

"I always forget what an expert I am in curling."

Trump Poutine

'What does it say, Dad?'

Can't Touch This

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

"I mean the Saturday Night Live president, not the lousy one."

"I like it but does it get only the one channel?"

It's not a bad planet -- Their talk shows make it seem a lot worse than it is.

"Stand up, honey. The president's on. You're committing treason."

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

'It's not much of a soap opera with just that Adam guy.'

Rumors, lies and innuendo.

'Of course, I'm not one of those glamorous paleontologists who are all over TV these days.'

Can't Touch This

'It's not as impressive as it looks. He only watches fishing shows.'

Christmas TV...

'Now time for a coffee while hubby cleans up the mess.'

'Play any other position besides Monday morning quarterback?'

"The keep saying unrestored and what a nice PATINA, Ted. A better-sounding word for old tarnished stuff would be SCRINCH or SKRITCH, don't you think, eh, Ted?"

A slow Day on the Rolling News Channel

'Do you want to watch the weather/natural disaster channel, the nuclear proliferation channel, or the gun violence/Kennedy assassination channel?'

Meet John Henderson. - The only journalist NOT to have interviewed serial killers in prison...

'Every TV show seems to have a lucrative phone-in competition these days.'

'What a strange episode -- they just voted Ricardo Montalban off the island!'

'I thought this was a documentary about animal cruelty.'

"What kind of politician would I be if I didn't politicize this crisis?"

"Political cartoons that make people think? Are you crazy? We don't want to distract our readers from the weather forecast, the horoscope and the advertisements!"

"I suppose we have Judge Judy to thank for all this."

"You don't have to answer that."