Morning Dramatist Pillows

'Look out kids, here comes Basil Rathbone.'

'The vegetables sat in the crisper for hours...days...a whole week. Then suddenly, the drawer opened. A hand reached in, grabbed the kale, and all you could hear was the sound of...A Garbage disposal.'

The Perfect Foil

During his financial report to the board of directors, Ted hits the poignancy button by mistake.

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

Performance In The Bedroom

'...and could you refill the vinegar - Genius here thinks it's the wine.'

'Hello, Ebeneezer! It's me - the ghost of coming dinner!'

'How do you feel when you get up in the morning?' 'Amazed!'

'After you with the camouflage.'

"Let me give you the Heimlich. That always gets the waiter's attention."

'Lovely soup, just like my mother used to open.'

'Are these mushrooms or toadstools? And why are you holding a stomach pump?.'

On the seventh day the ideation got a little heated.

'The tax and tip I understand, but what's this charge for shipping and handling?'

Waiter: 'Your Tossed salad Ma'am.'

"NAY!!"

Alarming symptoms after eating boiled beef and gooseberry pie

Toast with faces popped up from toaster.

"It's a profit and loss statement. Read it with gusto!"

"Wait. Let it breathe."

'He isn't use to getting up this early.'

'I called this emergency meeting to discuss the lack of respect I've been getting around here lately.'

"What will change my life?"

'... and I almost want to thank my pharmacist.'

"Somebody tell me...what's my motivation?"

"I will avenge the underdone fish that ruined my dinner if it's the last thing I ever do."

"Hi again. Can I just check whether you enjoyed me interrupting your meal five minutes ago to ask whether you were enjoying your meal?"

'Never mind the dramatics, Watkins. Just read the treasurer's report.'

'What time is it? The small hand is on the 6 and the cat's paw is on my chin.'

'How is the Peking Duck prepared?' 'I'll break it to her gently.'

"Waiter - this dish doesn't contain enough adjectives..!"

"Here are Monsieur Limace, our sommelier, Monsiere Juron, chef de Cuisine and Mr Kruigshenk, specialist for the beheading of breakfast eggs."

Now squeeze sharply five times - that should dislodge the tip from his coat pocket.

The Gutter Press.