Monitoring Gifts

'These new electronic tags are fantastic, they really make it possible for managers to keep track.'

Debbie attaches her husband to a proprietary dream monitor to make sure he doesn't cheat on her in his sleep.

'Call me immediately if there's any serious side effects so I can notify my lawyer.'

'Today the stock market was moribund, as growth equities sputtered and bonds dipped due to the inverted yield curve. I'd translate that into layman's terms...but they don't pay me enough.'

'Our regular programs will not be seen tonight, because our Station Manager is in a 'Three Stooges' mood.'

'Slip Ahoy!'

'As you can see, it's a boy and he seems to be doing just fine.'

Fighting the Zika Virus

'You'll have more luck getting the sword out of the stone than getting the remote control out of his hand.'

Stop Staring at Me!

Daredevil. No. But it's been months now. I wanna talk about it. Well, I haven't watched the last couple episodes yet. Blasphemy! You have one job as a modern American consumer of Netflixian entertainment: and that's to binge-watch every episode the day the series is released. Sorry, little buddy. Some of us have lives. What's that supposed to mean?! Careful what you say around seniors. You'd never be man enough to handle a good Price is Right marathon! You distract it while I make my escape.

'Is there something you're not telling me, Doctor?'

Please examine your children's tv before they watch it as mistakes can not afterwards be rectified

"Well, my fitness band told my doctor how lazy I've been since my last visit. How do I turn on privacy on this thing?!!!"

A color test planet

Mexico Elections 2024

"I'm going to take your blood pressure, so try to relax and not think about what a high reading might mean for your chances of living a long, healthy life."

"Well sorry doc, but that's not the reading I get from my digital wrist heart monitor."

'Ha, ha! -- Made you look!'

"If I've got no messages how do I know I even EXIST!"

'It has my horoscope, heart rate and cholesterol level...but I'm sorry, I don't have the time.'

UN observer - 'The election was free and fair, but terribly unsophisticated - No spin, no vote recounts, no dirty tricks!'

"Don't read it! He's phishing."

"Thank goodness I was getting my share prices confused with my resting heart rate."

"I didn't know you COULD finish Netflix."

'Yeah, I still use old fashion Facebook. I gotta monitor what my parents are up to!'

Now 7 days since anybody ate anybody. Let's keep it going!

'It's just a routine operation, Mr. Bush. No need to have your lawyer present.'

'It'll never work. Your metabolism rate is higher than mine.'

"I feel fine but according to my new watch I might be dead!"

"You spoil that child!"

"You just watch him Ethel. He'll sit there and say nothing, just to annoy me."

'This little gadget monitors my blood pressure, my pulse, and the performance of my very sleek designer running shoes.'

'...possible drug side effects include 'rapid death syndrome', but that's rare.'

'He can sit there and watch his heart rate monitor for hours.'