Money Manager Pillows

"Stocks can be risky, and you've got to be able to sleep at night. We'll set aside half your money for sleeping pills."

"I've hedged against inflation and I've hedged against deflation, but price stability could knock me for a loop."

'Diversify, diversify, diversify. Never keep all your eggs in one basket, unless it's Easter.'

'Withdrawal symptoms.'

"Can't we talk about something other than money?"

Ran out of money.

Acme Financial Management - Risking other people's money since 1927.

'Your financial goal is to break even? I can tell you're an experienced investor.'

'My investment objective is to keep up with my neighbors, the Joneses, who just won the lottery.'

"Right, you've pretty much agreed that you think saving for a pension should be compulsary. Who do you think it should apply to?" "Him...Him...Her...Him...Them...Him."

Embezzle is a pretty strong word. Isn't it possible he just forgot where he buried them?

Try to think of bankruptcy as an accounting procedure.

'Would it kill 'ya to index my birthday check to inflation?'

"How come they call these tax returns when I never get any money returned?"

'The love of money is the root of all evil? Is that the whole treasurer's report?'

'It sounds like your investments could use a check-up too.'

'No. The last time I tried to get my money to work for me it ran off and left me.'

LOAN - just say 'No'

'While I'm here for my audit, could I interest you in some tax free municipal bonds?'

"Find someone who's savvy about Ponzi schemes and have them restructure the Greek debt."

'A vault? Yes Sir, I'll be sure to pass your suggestion on to management.'

North Dakota taxes.

'You have to work two and a half years to cover your annual living expenses.'

'By the way, Stanley, can you lend me five till payday?'

Tax Stop.

"Accounts Payable... The check in in the mail. (click)"

"Have you ever wanted something so bad that you'd actually save up the money to buy it?"

"Never mind how much we have, how much do you want to borrow?"

They're rich but not in a glamorous way. They're Certificate of Deposit rich.

'Your money? — does it or does it not have 'United States Treasury' printed on it?

'I think I know what the problem is!'

In Case of Funding Emergency, Break Glass.

'You're my economic advisor. What'll I do?'

'Whadaya mean my fixed income is broken?'

'Your investments aren't under performing, they're just appreciation challenged.'