Mom Trick Expert Pillows

"They're healthy? All this time, Mom said carrots and raisins were nature's candy!"

"The doctor wanted me to let you know that everything is fine, but your c-section didn't go quite as planned. it was more like a 'K' section..."

'I've drawn up a shortlist of baby names.'

The Mothership

'All I want for Christmas is my old shape back again.'

'You are right, honey, it's raining too much. It's not the best day to visit my mom.'

"They also left a pamphlet on the benefits of breast feeding."

'No, I've not got names for them but I've got one for my husband!'

'Just doing the school run.'

'I swear, you kids get better costumes every year! Where's your trick-or-treat bag?'

'Oooh, I love what you've done with your hair...That top looks lovely on you and have you lost weight?'

'Congratulations. It's a latch key kid.'

'Before you return Principal Harris's phone call, I would like to remind you that having a 'living' dependant is an excellent tax deduction.'

"It's your mother. She wants to know why you never summon her."

'I'm qualified to deal with any traumatic event because I've raised five children.'

"It's true she's back to the same weight she was on her wedding day, but remember that she was 9 months pregnant with triplets then..."

'You don't look anything like Count Dracula and I should know, because he's a personal friend of mine.'

Mother and Baby

"Now that Ella's turning two, I'd like to transition to being a stay-at-work mom."

'Oh, sure, the world gets a savior, and what do I get? Hemorrhoids the size of grapefruits!'

'The more you drink the more I produce.'

How Moms Explain

'I forgot to bring diapers. We were a long way from refreshing.'

"You heard me. This is it. We had a three-picture deal."

"You could say that. I had a D-section."

'It looks like your son hasn't changed his underwear in a year,'

'If your mother asks, it's water buffalo.'

"I accept candy or cash - I don't take stickers."

Big book of daft names for kids.

"Mom always was a helicopter mom, and now she's got a drone!"

'Today I'd like to teach everyone the difficult task of how to put a new toilet roll on it's holder.'

'Relax, the most important thing is that he drinks his milk, not how.'

'Our infant daughter is veyr active and started to crawl. Do you have one with GPS?'

'Mom says she's too busy to read anything right now so I'll just sign her name to my report card.'