Mom Life Decoder Pillows

Woah! Are you going to work like that, mom? Like what? Your mascara's all smeared around your eyes. Ok! Ok! Sorry. What was that about? She's not wearing mascara.

"Use your inside scream."

'Very well, I'll introduce you. Ego, meet ID. Now get back to work.'

"We're going to the park to size up the competition."

What Business People often say (and what they really mean)

Paw readings

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

'Who the heck told my wife I had rights to parental leave?'

'Physical or Social Science?'

"The quicksand was corporate's idea. I wanted to fire you for going over my head. They wanted to send a message."

'All I want for Christmas is my old shape back again.'

"If we synchronize our tantrums, they'll have to stop talking. You in?"

'Sheisse ... What ein dream!' - Freud

"My parent's think I'm apathetic, but I don't care."

"The deadline for compliance just kicked in."

Today's Mothers Day!

"And here you have a brown thing next to something greenish, with some sort of brown runny stuff underneath it."

"Are you sure they don't include children?"

"I dreamed last night that I was furious at you for charging me for missing last week's session. What do you think it means?"

'Yes, it is a carrot. You haven't been getting enough fibre.'

Mixed marriage: food fight

Doctor Tries to Explain Breast Feeding

"Why do you wear green lipstick?"

'It's my job to be nosy!'

Siggy

"I had the strangest dream. I was suddenly in a room full of people, and I didn't have a stitch on."

'On the paupiettes de boeuf a la hongroise, which part is the hongroise?'

"Thanks to this new app, I now know Jim there is disgruntled."

'Is this a Greek restaurant?'

'I got rid of those funny little spots in front of my eyes. Now what's bugging me is a buzzing noise in my ears, like somebody sawing logs.'

'I think we're going to need an ANNOTATED edition.'

"The chocolate pudding is chef's digital signature dish."

"i'm trying to remember the type of California white wine but I like, but my mind keeps drawing a blanc."

"I just had a communications nightmare! I dreamt that the postal workers were on strike, the internet was down and someone had eaten the carrier pigeons!"

'He wasn't in, but I did manage to get a photo of her sitting on Santa's laptop.'