Moisturizer Maestro T-Shirts

'I've tried everything. My skin is still as dry as an elephant's trunk.'

"You've just got to have the biggest and the best, have'nt you?!"

'With all the tanning lotion, sun block and moisturizers, we're more coated with batter than the onion rings!'

'Don't worry. They say the first 24 months of living in a house during remodeling are the hardest.'

"I guess someone got up on the wrong side of the podium today."

'I installed all the floor tiles by myself. I did it all by tile and error.'

"If I knew when this was going to end, it wouldn't be so stressful."

"I'll never understand wallpaper."

Decorating with Children

"We can't agree on a size."

'When does the improvement phase of this home improvement project begin?'

Organized chaos.

'And if it ain't baroque, don't fix it.'

Lawrence of Suburbia

'If you increase the magnification another million times you can see the safety regulations.'

'Useful Drywall Screws' next to a huge box of 'Useless Drywall Screws.'

'Wow- you're one helluva great cook! Even the stuff you ordered from the delivery store is burned!'

When Cows Discovered Mowers

'You should enter the rhythmic breathing Olympics!'

TV Repair 101.

Roberto Mancini

"Compliments to the chef. It really is superbly cooked!"

'I think you're going to love it! Our award-winning chef microwaved them to perfection.'

Workers rest

As space walking astronaut vacuums dust particles: 'Houston, we see to have the cosmic dust problem under control.'

Those four microwave dings you just heard indicate that dinner is ready, Lance. Hop to it! Unlike some individuals I know, I am not one of Pavlov's wolverines.

'What do you mean, you're not hungry? - Your mother spent two minutes cooking that in the microwave just for you!'

"You're just pushing my buttons about all-microwave cooking ... aren't you?"

Dad's Diner - 'The best in frozen foods'.

'Your fireplace needs a flue shot.'

'I'm going to break you like a dry twig!' 'I think not! I use moisturiser cream.'

For a $50 payoff, Dwayne would agree not to follow a foursome around all 18 holes.

"I was going to make a seven course gourmet dinner, but the microwave is broken."

More lies.

"This costs $35 with side effects or, if you prefer, $127 without side effects."