Modesty Maestro Pillows

"You just self-deprecated yourself right out of a job."

'Unbelievable: My cowboy expects me to drop everything and come running when he whistles...'

"I guess someone got up on the wrong side of the podium today."

"I hate you! You don't understand me and you don't understand my software!"

Guru.

Charles Addams.

"Billy's room gets cleaned for free! The cleaning service uses it to train employees how to clean a hazardous waste dump."

The day Bob finally understood radiation of species.

How to identify the alarming mood swings of male menopause.

Computer Music

"Wow! You're a real good guesser, mom...that's exactly what we had at Jonny's party! Spaghetti an' cake an' ice cream!"

'I couldn't practice last night on account of my Dad's head was gonna' explode.'

Phone solicitors like customers who are afraid to hang up.

Edgar Allan Poe

My friend here is being FAR too modest! He's not just ANY bartender! Karl's the guy who invented the Fuzzy Navel!'

'Honey. . . I'm ommmmmmmmmmmmmmm.'

"This isn't a bad time to be out of touch with reality."

"I'm worried that I'm the only one who constantly gets anxiety attacks..."

Skeleton model kit assembly instructions.

'Sure, long waits don't bother you. You've served time.'

'Maybe you just weren't cut out for enlightenment.'

'Was that a spiritual insight, or just clumsiness?'

'My Death Story....chapter one...'

Meditation: Do Not Disturb.

"I pick up most of my wisdom from celebrity interviews.'

"Here goes nothing."

'I will now play a selection of digital audio files I downloaded today.'

'Sorry to interrupt - your monastery is on fire...the IRS wants to talk to you - and something about a missing case of wine.'

' ... Ohm ... Ohm ... Ohm ...'

'Sorry I'm late. I had you booked as the gastroenteritis, on Mont Blanc.'

"Look at you! Dirty all over! I told you not to play with your ink!!"

Martha Stewart at Home.

"But this way I know where everything is."

Say It Ain't So, Ho

"I spy with my mind's eye..."