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Art gallery painting: 'The Sneeze'

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

"I think that's one of his early 'blank canvases'. I think there are some bigger ones in the next room."

'It's my homage to Picasso.' (Snowman is all mixed up with eyes and nose in odd places)

"Well....I could've done this!"

"No, ma'am. I'm not sure what the difference is between being creative or just plain weird."

T. S. Eliot Meets Beavis And Butthead

Klimt Kiss Phones

'Projectile painting.'

Schools of Art - A Rough Guide.

Mr. Empirical With "Antarctica""Small is hostile. Rage contributes to shift away from literality. I'm off to True Value Hardware for some more self-reference tools."

'I can make out the nude, but I don't see the submarine.'

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

Jackson Pollock Studio

"How do I know this isn't a performance art piece?"

"I just cleaned that glass! How can it already be covered in nose prints?!"

"I don't know anything about art, but this is a damned good Martini."

Picasso: The Early Years

"I was going to call it 'Empty Plinth', but then I settled on 'Winter's Smile'...I wanted to capture the 'nothingness' of an 'absence of anything'..."

"Swiping won't cut it sonny-boy, you have to physically walk to the next painting."

Jackson Pollock: abstract; Picasso: cubism; Bobby: eight year old

Cats at private view

battered artist has painted picture of falling bomb.

'At least I never have to straighten it out.'

The Cremaster Cycle

"Picasso: Post cataract surgery."

Pouring all emotion into his art, Pablo had none left for his face.

"Feel better, dear?"

'What do you suppose he's trying to say?'

'Wait, this isn't Monet's garden, it's Mondrian's.'

'I'm going to add to the confusion. I'm going to sign my name upside-down.'

Art Gallery.

"Sometimes, Cheryl, I wonder why you only invite me along to cocktail parties."

"Tracy Island offers palatial splendour in the safest of environments. Your beds are unmade because this is Tracy Emin Island."

"I'll give you $5 for that shirt."