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"That's my old boyfriend. He's just staying here through the transition period."

"Of course, this doesn't mean we can't still be contemporaries."

'She's my sex therapist.'

'True, she is more successful at our open marriage than me...'

'I am so glad we have Skype.'

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

'I think I have found Mr. Right.'

Everyone agrees: Aunt Juanita needs a man.

"Of course I love you, I'm just busy with other men."

Tasty.

"I'm just so relieved! I thought you didn't love me anymore, but now I realize I was just projecting!!"

"He says he loves me, but he still uses his first wife's birthday as his password."

'Oh, relax. Stopping to ask how to use the GPS does not violate the male decree against asking directions.'

'He's not so much a rough diamond, more a dumb block of carbon.'

Tunnel of love, then disillusionment, then mundane humdrum coexistence.

Mine Shaft of Love.

My wife is the inspiration behind the light speed spaceship - the longer I'm married, the more I want to be the first human who lives on Mars.

'You can't keep a middle school girl from wanting to impress boys, Valerie.'

KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE AND YOUR ENEMIES CLOSER, 'That kind of thinking leads to marriage.'

'Sorry!...Recalculating.'

'He's not the man I married. In fact, none of them are.'

'For many months, you've been preparing to enter the sea of matrimony, and today, you walk the plank.'

Sadie, we need to see a couple's counselor. Yuck. No way! I won't spend a bunch of dough to have some halfwit tell me how to live my life! But I found an inexpensive counselor who will just listen to us talk through our issues. Counseling $10. This end up.

'Everyone does divorces, Mrs.Dawson.'

"Merely dating" "Lover's leap" "Undecided? Take a hike"

'Come now - surely we can draw up this pre-nuptial agreement amicably.'

Bumper Cars of Love.

...In a Relationship

"You have superior extra ocular muscle strength - how often do you roll your eyes at your husband?"

"Honey, wake up! I just remembered something you did that annoyed the hell out of me!"

"This is one of those things you should share before marriage."

"We slipped in the tub."

"To be honest Marsha, when I first met Ted, I couldn't stand him. Then, over time, he just seemed to grow on me."

Your Uncle Mort and Sadie are back from Canada. Are they still getting married? Yeah, but they're slowing things down. They're going to talk to someone about their problems. A counselor is always a good idea. They couldn't exactly afford a professional. He doesn't put the bathroom seat down.

'Our marriage is like a one-way street, and I'm behind him, honking my horn...'