Modern Life Musings Pillows

"I'm somewhere between O. and K."

"It seems like only yesterday I was on the verge of getting it all together."

"Yo've got to be more specific, Ed. Wake you when what's over?"

'I can't force jocose if I'm not feeling it.'

"Could you go back to the front desk? The receptionist has some forms for you to fill out."

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

"Would you like to keep eighty-seven tabs open?"

Crap from the future.

"Hang on. Mommy's just checking to see if she's still relevant to the outside world."

"Nature speaks to me of God’s presence, yet God is a total stranger to the restless world of men." "Why the #!@* is there no signal?!"

"I cancelled the cable, turned off the phone, shut down the internet. . . where the hell am I??"

Weird things I do because of the internet

Super Strength, Impervious to Bullets And Explosions

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

The prophet who changed water into diet grapefruit soda.

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

"Did you get my tweet?"

"Here's something called "The Fifty Greatest Countdown Shows Ever!""

"Freshly ground pepper?"

'This is suppose to be progress.'

"She married and then divorced, and then she married and divorced, and then she married and lived happily ever after."

Tunnel of TV

"I didn't say my prayers, but I e-mailed God earlier."

"How is it gendered?"

"The club scene is really changing."

"The way you look at me, Craig... you really see me."

"Nd how did tht mke u feel?"

"Of course, the actual honey is all made overseas."

"Can you reinvent the classic grilled cheese for me?"

Typical bored kid of the New Millennium

"Hi, I'd like to add you to my professional network on LinkedIn."

Fire hydrant with regular or sparkling water

"I wasn't copying off others. I was just crowdsourcing the answers."

Daily Routine

"Amazing, eh? Good-looking, dependable, trustworthy, inflatable."