Modern Family Observer T-Shirts

"No, Father, they're not praying. They're texting."

"Go say something nice about your mother's corporation."

'Mom & her new husband' and 'Pop & his live-in girlfriend'.

"This article says that the number of elderly living with their children is rising..."

"We're not planning another child till we can afford a new phone."

Step Mom's Diner: Under New Management.

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'

'...and a few email messages from friends and relatives...'

"Mom, have you reached the age when you stop getting operating system updates?"

Waiting Room

"Couldn't you have just laughed instead of spelling 'LOL' in your alphabet soup?"

'Sure, go ahead! Evolve! It's all the rage, I know! Have fun! I'll just sit here in this murky, primordial soup with nothing but plankton for company. Why should you stay here with your mother? The one who raised you, fed you...'

"My monthly screen time went up from 62 hours to ‘Holy #@!*’."

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

"Yeah, you could say I've got mother issues....she told me I have to move out!"

"It's his emotional support animal."

What are we doing today? Installing raised beds. Then we'll plant them for a couple who want organic vegetables. Brilliant, Dad. Tree's Tree Nursery. You take the hard work out of gardening. Right. And give it to me! Right again!

"I now pronounce you man and couch."

'We're doing the right thing, Bob, Let Andy solve problems with bullies at school his own way,,,'

"So this is the Mr. Waring who has made such a great impression on my little girl."

Origins Of Evolution

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

"Of course, the actual honey is all made overseas."

"Attention, wanna-be son-in-law ... we're losing!"

"Mom, are you sure I'm not adopted?"

'Simple case of gravity, mom.'

Fire hydrant with regular or sparkling water

I think it's time he left home.'

"Mom said mopping up my snow tracks is a good start for my bucket list."

"No, it's not codependency. The neediness is just in one direction."

"Beats me how pregnancy has survived into the modern era. There's no reception desk, product guarantee nor customer service department!"

"If it slows down, just ask my father about the murder he always swears he did not commit."

"He was much more effective in the field."

"Photo safaris are not what they used to be: They seem more interested in taking selfies than photos of us these days..."

"Closing averages on the human scene were mixed today. Brotherly love was down two points, while enlightened self-interest gained a half. Vanity showed no movement, and guarded optimism slipped a point in sluggish trading. Over all, the status quo remained unchanged."