Mock-the-system Gifts

'We're here to nudge you into moving south.'

"States of tofu"

"Mom, I'm at work – let me call you back after I finish stocking milk for wealthy vegans who like beet juice in their meat alternatives so they can still get that bloody effect when cooking without guilt."

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

"I always forget what an expert I am in curling."

'Great job at today's meeting, Dunwoody. You're finally discovering your own voice as a yes-man!'

Happy Surrogate Thanksgiving

'Your Honor, in order to avoid being sued, we find the defendant 'Not guilty.''

'Don't bite it. I have to check Daddy next.'

"I will have the riesling, and a thimble of your best pinot noir for the little lady."

The old good-cop, psycho-cop routine.

'I think you have figured out that, with today's overcrowded prisons, pleading insanity will put you back on the streets..."

"We pay the living dead wage."

"Parts and labor?"

'We're moving you from intensive care to intensive billing.'

"Responsibility? Me? Don't be silly. I'm a politician!"

A Dummy Corporation.

"You mock, sir—you mock a sport storied and beloved. I, sir, pity you."

Emergency Covid Testing Clinic: Confirmed Cases Only

A jogger being bombarded by tiny battleships in a pond.

'I'm happy to say this makes grim reading.'

'No wonder these are bland...they're toys!'

'In with the warden !'

'Church Commission Land. No entry. Don't be tempted - someone IS watching!'

"That was just a simulation. Nothing can prepare you for the kind of monkey bars you'll find in an actual war zone."

'Effective communication with patients is ESSENTIAL, so we're going to practise drilling down to identify core interpersonal information transfer methodologies to accelerate a meaningful dialogue with Tim.'

'If you wish to complain please press 2 and then select the Death Metal band that you'd like to listen to while you are on hold.'

"I could see finding him a cool guy if I wasn't married to him."

'I'm sorry madam, but according to the computer your husband was booked in for a hysterectomy.'

'Our campaign will generate a lot of hot air. Did you remember to file an environmental impact statement?'

The Blame-O-Meter

Careers Advice - 'What kind of benefits are you interested in claiming?'

'It's a list of things I don't like to do.'

"Last question...where do you see yourself in 30 minutes? Because I'm calling you a cab."

Portrait pulling a face at artist.