Mix-up Artist Gifts

"Hand me a number eight iron."

'OK, the old one's in my right hand, the donor's in my left. Rght?'

"Honey, where did you put my Green Lantern cufflinks?!"

Goodnight Moon for the Misbegotten

"Sorry, that's not my table."

'Eh...our costume party was last Saturday!'

'Ah, here's your problem - all this spaghetti is real spaghetti.'

'I suppose you're going to tell me I need new contact lenses.'

"They're not as scary on casual Friday."

Mash-test Dummies.

"Did you accidentally put the DVD of 'Taxi Driver' in her 'Wheels on the Bus' case?"

'Do you know that tattoo reads,'I love little porcelain dolls'?' (a Chinese man explaining to a tough guy what his Chinese tattoo really means).

"Right now someone is saying 'Look, somebody threw out a perfectly good briefcase!"

'Why am I here, nurse? I just wanted a replacement for my organ.'

"I'm not sure how to tell you this, Glenda, but you've been sitting on a golf ball for the last three times."

'You say it's milk, oh, oh, I must have hooked up the wrong pipes.'

'Continue to support sex education in the schools if you want to, but Billy just told me that he resulted when your sperm met my omelet.'

Piano tuner with an assistant.

"Please forgive me, I seem to have misplaced my spectacles. Will the happy couple please step forward?"

"No, this is not 'returns,' and that's not a receipt … it's a birth certificate!"

A punk rocks out to a John Denver song on karaoke night.

"Sorry! There's been some mistake. It's elves we're looking for!...Elves!"

'George...George! Have you seen the fly-spray anywhere?'

"Didn't you want to plant a tree with our grandchild?"

"I think there's been a clerical error!"

"Alright Mr. Caldwell, you're all sewn up. Please be sure to fill out the online survey and don't forget to tip. Thanks."

"Then that lady next to me on the bus must be on her way to the hospital with my loose meat sandwich."

"Do you call this a party! I've been to livelier funerals!"

'You're right. It does look infected. But I'm just the janitor.'

'You idiot! You didn't tell us this gig was for a marching band! '

"Ah...I see your mistake. We're, Proctor and Proctor. You're looking for the proctologist, next door."

Animal Hospital.

Whoops! I've brought the wrong husband home from the shops.

"A mistake, I have made."

'Hello? Mom?..Before you see the Doctor, check to see if you're wearing Junior's Gorilla Shorts.'