Misinterpreted Offer Explorer T-Shirts

'- but I didn't think it meant a two-made-into one-suit, dammit!'

"You're fired."

"I just found a unicorn! Apparently, they just want to be left alone."

"Wait, am I hear for you or are you here for me?"

"It's Dr. Sadie. Go ahead, caller." "Yeah, how come you haven't said 'Merry Christmas' yet?" "Oh, that’s because I was hoping to provoke everyone who’s upset about the so-called 'war on Christmas' to spend all their time on hold waiting to castigate me. That way, all the normal people who don’t think Christmas is just another chance to play the victim can open their gifts in peace." "You're welcome, America." "Why haven't you played 'Jingle Bells' yet?"

'Tommy is in the other room playing with the triangle we bought him in Bermuda.'

"So have you ever stopped to ask yourself: If he really knew the secrets of the universe, would he be living in a damn cave?"

'Look! There's a Zyzzkzkk!'

Carrot VS Stick

"The fact that you're here means you will continue to make poor life decisions."

Assault weapons go over the cliff.

Cast away in a life raft with Dr. Phil.

I don't know if neuronal stem cells can or cannot become blood cells but one thing is for sure, neuronal stem cells can become controversial.

'You're experienced with blood stains I trust?' (Smarthy ACME Carpet Cleaners)

"And for a left-handed designated hitter and a player to be named later, Mr. Steinbrenner would gladly fly Elián home."

"Spirit! Are you a chatbot?"

"Scientists believe the mysterious asteroid, known as 'Oumaumau', may be a space probe, a discarded solar sail or a huge alien turd."

"Let's welcome our new member, Bob!" "You, too!" "'You, too'? Idiot!"

'Good evening sir.Just wondering if you'd like to sample Night-Mart's new range of A-positive.'

"All I get is a bird's eye view."

'You may choose either everlasting life or whatever is behind the curtain.'

"You've been vital to our great year. Your bonus is whatever you can carry out by midnight."

Myths and Other Urban Legends

'How am I doing?'

This wasn't quite the fairytale ending Colin had anticipated.

'Next time, spring for a little more, and get a GOOD GPS'

Antiques dealer and customer

"This is not Easter Island. My boat sank before getting there."

Jihadi Art Critics Circle

"...To sum up, then, everything is illusory - Do you guys have any questions?"

Devil paints God.

"Your brochure led me to believe it'd have a more temperate climate."

'I've never felt so alive...'

"It was buried only last month, but we couldn't wait."

'And if you think it isn't yours I'll see you at the DNA testing!'