Misery Loves Company Gifts

'The good news is your ailment is named after me, the bad news is there is no cure,'

Off Duty.

"Gesundheit!"

'Maybe we should talk to him more, Malcolm.'

"Don't think of it as getting fired. Think of it as finally being recognized for your incompetence."

Accident-Prone Support Group.

Freak Accident Specialist

'I think out quarterly report should call it a 'negative upward trend'.'

Rudolph Red Light District

"I'll call you back. I'm in a meeting."

Men-O-Pause Emergency Kit, contents include an inflatable trophy wife, bottle of Boca-Raw-Tan and a convincing hairpiece

'So it's agreed- the first person to lower their hand is fired.'

'You know how they say, no matter how bad you got it, there's always someone worse off? Well I'm that someone.'

"Thank goodness! I thought that day would never end!"

"So what brings you to this godforsaken end of the bar?"

'I wanted a burial service, he wanted cremation, so I decided to compromise and have him clambaked.'

'Please excuse Josh's tardiness. The American academy of pediatrics has recommended a later start to the school day for teens.'

'What a lousy day! The computer, the car, and my stock portfolio all crashed.'

"I was expelled from reform school."

"What were those songs you were singing?"

'Misfortune Cookies: A piano will fall on your motorcycle in the near future.'

'The postman woke me up at five this morning... That's the last time I sleep with him.'

Misery Lit next to a Samaritans hotline.

Castaways Not Welcome

'We're going to start without him.'

'That's as maybe, mister Frimley, but there's still no such thing as inner-child benefit.'

'You will be now.'

Parent-teacher-stranger conference