Millennial Diet Satirist Pillows

Gluten Free, Wheat Free, Fat Free, Dairy Free, Soy Free, Sugar Free, Recyclable, Sustainable Cupcake

"Two vegans, please."

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

Vending machines with junk food: 'Zing!', 'Zoom!' and 'Crash!'

"He's an indoor cat."

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

'The customer is always right...'

Looking at belt - "One more notch, room for desert."

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens into my diet.'

You are what you eat (Nuts).

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens in my diet.'

"I'm on a diet, how many calories in a fly?"

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

"Try to eat more coconuts and fish."

Weight Gain Denial

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

'The items with the little hearts will clog your arteries the fastest.'

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

'It's a simple matter of checks and balances: your waistline has spread and your brain has shrunk.'

'It's a middle-age spread spread.'

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

The real reason salad aids weight loss

'You'll like this. It has no nutritional value at all.'

"Is it working?"