Millennial Diet Satirist Pillows

Gluten Free, Wheat Free, Fat Free, Dairy Free, Soy Free, Sugar Free, Recyclable, Sustainable Cupcake

"Two vegans, please."

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

The Official Covid-19 Diet

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

Get your no-turkey recipes here! Eco club. Go veggie for T-day! No thanks! I like turkey, sausage, stuffing, creamed onions with bacon and mincemeat pie. I figured as much. How can you tell? Gut check. That's my gut reaction, too.

Vending machines with junk food: 'Zing!', 'Zoom!' and 'Crash!'

"He's an indoor cat."

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

'The customer is always right...'

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens into my diet.'

Looking at belt - "One more notch, room for desert."

You are what you eat (Nuts).

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens in my diet.'

"I'm on a diet, how many calories in a fly?"

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

Exit. My problem is restaurants have drive-throughs, and fitness centers don't.

'I warned you about stuffing yourself with carbs, didn't I?'

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

"Try to eat more coconuts and fish."

I grew up vegetarian. Wow. That takes work to stay strong. What motivates you? Hey, lettuce brain! Peer pressure.

Weight Gain Denial

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

Before and After Holiday Diet

'The items with the little hearts will clog your arteries the fastest.'

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'It's a simple matter of checks and balances: your waistline has spread and your brain has shrunk.'

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

'It's a middle-age spread spread.'

"Is it working?"

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

The real reason salad aids weight loss