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Ted attempts to correct his slow running hourglass.

'Trust me, kids. Everything tastes better at the ballpark.'

Reading my Critics

So I guess the moral of Hansel and Gretel is always carry your cell phone!

"Why is there so much emphasis put on our stupid race?" "I think people are more interested in it as a metaphor than as an actual race." "Slow and steady wins the race, that sort of thing." "That would explain why I always lose..." "Bartender, another please." "Maybe you should slow down." "You never learn do you?"

'WD-40 un-sticks things that should move and duct tape makes things that shouldn't move, stop.'

"He was a big man, but he moved like a cat."

Phoenix

"We had a brainstorm - I hope it's a brainchild."

'I'd put it on the back burner, but the stove's been repossessed.'

Roger feels that there are only two inante instincts in men and women. One is satisfaction of biological needs...the other is self-actualization.

"You know what I think, babe? Seven on the Richter scale."

A Poem about Sand

"Honestly, I thought you were a metaphor."

'Funny, I thought a near-death experience would be different, somehow.'

'Are we watching business news or sports news?'

Graph leads down into egg with a big crack.

" ... and if we finish pillaging early enough, we can still catch the evening Zumba class on the after deck."

BRAND-NEW OMG-STORY

'I don't suppose I need to remind anyone that when I use the term 'bite the bullet,' I mean it metaphorically.'

'Are those physical or metaphorical thunderclouds moving in.'

"I'm more interested in hearing about the eggs you're hiding from yourself."

'Sorry - I only donate big.'

'Thoreau, doing research on chapter 7'

"The elephant is in the OTHER room. I want to talk about the PENGUIN in the room."

An artist creates a sculpture of a "thumbs up" and is then crushed by it.

"now let's try one without the tusks."

Ambitions...To Eat My Words: "Lobster, Fllet Steak, Peaches in Brandy."

"Are you sure this what he said to build?"

"I told you it was a universal truth."

If poets wrote road signs.

'I had a nest egg once, but I sat on it too long, and ended up with nothing but a frozen asset.'

The Nature Writer Writer.

"There are far too many balls in your court, Brintner!"

"I've fallen for you hook, line and really BIG sinker."