Menu Analyst Extraordinaire Gifts

"You might try the Trout Almandine - it's just swimming in credit card debt."

'I think I'll go home and eat'

"Is the MSG local?"

'Actually I'm a nerdivore. I only eat your lamer plants and animals: duckbill platypi, cumquats, daffodils, the occasional mudshark.'

'Men order. . . women shop.'

'We don't know which gate flight 311 to Denver is boarding. These are the menus.'

'How is the water prepared?'

'Waiter, there's a hairball in my soup, too.'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"And exactly how is the peanut-butter-and-jelly prepared?"

'Well, if you're going to order 'left wings' and I'm going to order 'right,' maybe we should just order burgers instead.'

'Thank you waiter - my wife's the rabbit.'

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

"Sure, ha ha, it’s all ‘free-range’ beef."

"Steak, Richard, is just grown up veal."

"Some protein with my salad? Sure, put a 24 ounce Ribeye in it."

"The chef recommends the most expensive dish on the menu."

"I can highly recommend the peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich, served with a chilled glass of milk."

"Our menu never claims that our meat is barbecued. It just says that it's covered in barbecue sauce."

'Tonight's menu is bound in Moroccan leather, with a touch of Flemish calligraphy on hand made paper.'

I'm so hungry I could eat a horse! You've come to the right place.

"What would you suggest as a dinner strategy?"

'Which are the most popular and least popular items, and which have been on the menu the longest and shortest times?'

"'Market Price' isn't about the food. It's what we think we can charge YOU."

"Have you had a chance to look at the menu?"

'Please have the bouncer throw me out before the dessert course.'

'One businessman's lunch and one lackey's lunch.'

'. . . the Winter of Discontent Soup, Arab Spring Roll, Summer Madness Salad and The Season of Mellow Mists Fruit Medley.'

'The only vegan item on the menu is the menu itself.'

"Haven't you got anything that hasn't been regurgitated?"

"While you've been making your mind up, the Early Bird special when up three bucks."

"The specials I didn't order sound so much better when you describe them to other people."

"What is this one - 'Two egg surprise'?"

'Don't rush me. I'm adding up the calories!'

Frankly, I've seen better menus on my computer accounts Package.