Melted Home Enthusiast Pillows

'I need to do better real estate investments. First, the housing crisis made me lose 75% of my house's value...and now, global warming is melting it!'

"I didn't spark joy."

'You never compliment me when it's tidy so I figured you wouldn't notice when it's a tip!'

Newfangled contraceptions phobia: 'David, David, we're sinking! Our water bed has sprung a leak!'

"To keep warm in winter you're looking at a new central heating system costing £20,000."

Realtors: 'We make house calls'.

I don't want to go out, I just want to stay in.

Estate Agent - This house that's 'just what we are looking for' is ours

'What makes you think the basement leaks?'

Living together, couple in love.

"I'm tired of this cave. I want a condo!"

"Not cool washing sheep in the dishwasher people!"

Fireplace Projector.

'I know what you're thinking, honey, it's out of our price range but, wait till you see the size of the mailman's leg on this route!'

'Will this be a simple equity loan, or are you refinancing your whole marriage?'

"Yes, I appreciate that it's a converted fire station. But I still think I'd prefer stairs."

"It's perfectly all right. I used to do the same sort of thing when I was a little boy."

"I'm running a loose ship."

Nest building

Carpet salesman, "There's a bit of tyre damage, but not so anyone would notice."

'Brew?'

'Phase Two : More of the same'

'What the hell is PIG IRON?'

"Tia Carmen, is this our house or is it our home?"

Changing house name.

You're in violation of several bylaws, ma'am: Too many peppermint sticks, gingerbread shingles, sugar pollution of storm sewers - And with all the kids we've seen go in there, your occupancy clearly exceeds ordinances.

'It's a prize for being first to go home.'

"Homeowner please help."

'Cosy little kitchen, isn't it?'

'Are you the Octomom who needs a new house?'

"Nice, but it's still a fish bowl. We'd like something with a little more privacy."

"Careful in the bathroom—we just had it reimagined."

'Did you mess with the thermostat again?'

'You must excuse us. Things are a bit upside-down at the moment.'

I don't care if they are a protected species, Henry, I'm calling the exterminator!!