Meditative Comedian Pillows

'Please join me now in a group meditation.'

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

"Oh, great - They changed the Meaning of Life again."

'Just a word of advice ... He's a Saints' fan.'

"I'm TRYING to extinguish my ego, but I feel so CONSPICUOUS up here!"

Moses uses the burning bush to roast a kosher frank

'I hope you ain't got no tax up here!'

Adam puts God on hold while texting.

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

Inflation Is Up, Interest Rates Are Going Up. . . I'm Asking You To UP Your Donation.

"The answers to the questions you seek could also be found on Google."

Zenboni

Applause

You may have hired the best lawyer but I don't think that you can sue God because of a downgoing Dow Jones, sir.

"The Jacksons will be there in about an hour and I promise you guys an epic fight!"

"Meditation is too hard. How do you keep one thought in your mind for this long?"

If a tree falls on a philosopher in the woods, and no one is there to hear his screams for help, did he really make a sound?

Foot Massage

"Psst! I got mantras. You need a mantra? Mantras right here..."

'I'm trying to become enlightened, but my stomach keeps growling and interrupting me!'

Man tries to build a traditional Indian Guru bed using flatpack furniture.

'Just remember to get your punch lines in before they fall asleep.'

Wash hand before making sound of one hand clapping.

"Closed until further notice."

"I pick up most of my wisdom from celebrity interviews.'

'...But I confessed to Oprah...isn't that in there?'

'Yeah, my head gets cold, too, but the hat sends the wrong message.'

"How do you tell the Son of God He's got spinach in his teeth?"

'Forget it - the nearest wi-fi hot spot is in Rangoon.'

'I'm sorry but you obviously don't believe in God because you didn't forward the religious emails to 10 or more people in your address book.'

'One reason I like hanging out with you is you give me so many good ideas for my sermons.'

'It might be all right for some but I'll not have anyone tinkering with my subconscious. Anyway, supposing they found I hadn't got one!'

'Thanks for the thought but we can't accept lottery tickets.'

"Thank you for holding, your prayers have advanced in the queue and will be answered by the next available deity."

"Yeah. What I remember most is that you still owe me money!"