Medico-legal Humor Fan Pillows

'Sure your attorney can be in the operating room, during you surgery, but we'll have to give him anesthesia too.'

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

'I really enjoyed my stay in the hospital - I never get served breakfast in bed at home.'

'Goodness, no Doctor, my husband is not calling you any insulting names. He's a duck and that's the only word he knows.'

Lactose Intolerant

"There's your son's heartbeat, and over here is the app he's developing."

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

"The doctor wanted me to let you know that everything is fine, but your c-section didn't go quite as planned. it was more like a 'K' section..."

"If you'd only come to me sooner I wouldn't have had to go to lunch."

'And when did you have your last owl movement?'

'Before you see any patients have you completed your hand sterilisation and soap management course?'

'I want to forewarn you that my HMO won't approve any treatment that uses a needle.'

"Because we dismissed his original self-diagnosis, he wants to give us his second opinion."

'I'm afraid that serves you right for not wearing your safety goggles!'

"Boy, do we hate to see this... I'm afraid your child's entire body is an 'innie'."

"All my symptoms are old ... "

'He's got abdominal pain, dizziness and soreness in his extremities. I'll know more when I see X-rays...'

'Okay, Mom. I'm sorry I re-gifted one of the kidneys you gave me.'

Doctor performing an ultrasound on a Russian nesting doll

Prospective hospital employee: 'I do sutures. Are there any openings?'

"How long were you in the waiting room?"

'A Caesarian? - But I want my son to be a natural-born citizen!'

'Who wants to be examined first?'

"I think it stopped breathing."

Happy Birthday to you.

'My boyfriend's a Cardiologist.'

'Let me get this straight- you went to a GUY-ne-cologist, to discuss MEN-o-pause?'

'Good thing it has a child-proof cap.'

'Your 'bad' cholesterol levels are right off the chart.'

'The doctor says he's going to have to give you a few more tests...'

'We'll need to run some preliminary tests to see if you're healthy enough for more invasive follow-up tests.'

"My first night in the lab and I was clearly the smallest brain in the place."

Operating Room Humor. Why are anesthesiologists assumed to be honest? Because numb-ers don't lie!

"Gross."