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'The doctors ruled out a remarkable recovery. You'll get better, they just don't think it'll be all that remarkable.'

'I'm afraid your conditions shows no improvement over last time, Mr. Ferguson -- you must still be doing enjoyable things.'

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

"I'm afraid you could go at any time."

"Ugh, we get it - you're in love."

'I'd like a second opinion, doctor.'

'Nurse, I said x-ray, not microwave.'

A Hypochondriac's Worst Nightmare

"You're sick of this? Just try to imagine how we feel."

"I feel your pain level."

'I'm afraid it's bad news Mr.Hooper, I've just got the report on your finances.'

"Who has removed the appendix from the medical text book?"

"It will be okay to hop when you go home but don't try to run."

Paging for a Doctor

Heimlich maneuver, Gastric bypass surgery, Liver transplant.

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

Dr. Flagg's Worst Nightmare

"Does it hurt when my attorney does this?"

"My blood type...it's the type that doesn't like to exercise."

'Don't worry. We still have a few more treatment options available.'

"Things look good but let's run a few more tests since mortality runs in your family."

'I can't make you younger...odometer tampering is against the law.'

"Your test results are perfect and there is nothing wrong with you. We will operate on you for it tomorrow."

"I am not the famous heart surgeon, but I am in his medical group."

"Went in for a simple blood test and got cloned by mistake."

Pay Hospital Bill Here.

"Does it hurt when I do this?"

"What should we do with this extra part?"

'If you begin to feel unwell, start or stop taking aspirin...'

Eye, ear, nose, throat and loans to pay the bills.

The NHS begins using outside contractors for routine operations.

"Tell me Mr. Jones. Does it hurt when I do this?"

"I'm afraid you have a slow, painful, terminal disease, so I'm sending you to a hospital where you can catch a quicker one."

"Fortunately I hold the patent for the gene that's causing the ringing in your ears, and I can refer you to the doctor who holds the patent for the gene that's causing the pain in your ears."

Illustrated Encyclopedia of Infectious Diseases