Medical Researcher Gifts

"Unfortunately, there's no cure—there's not even a race for a cure."

"Very interesting professor...now do you think you could sum that up in six words or less, three of which have to be 'cancer', 'cure' and 'miracle'!"

"Defunding increases aggression."

"...and our new drugs - Palistilap, Orfinifro and Kyriltliryk - are all palindromes."

'My diabetic research shows that test subjects are 98% more likely to take their diabetic pills if the pills are covered in chocolate.'

First clue that the latest medical breakthrough isn't quite there yet - 'Don't worry, I had the same thing...'

"I go home today. They cured me using this new miracle drug. I'm afraid it'll be years before it's approved for humans."

If the drugs do cause a problem then we've got some pills that might help.

'Good news. Your cholesterol has stayed the same, but the research findings have changed.'

"At first it's, we'll try this and we'll try that. But when there's a medical break-through, guess who takes all the credit."

Heart Research Centre on top of a hill.

'Our trials show that the new drug performs no better than placebo.'

"I'd have been here sooner if it hadn't been for early detection."

Drugs - 'Placebos' and 'Ex-strength placebos'.

'Half the diabetics were given the new drug and responded well. The other half got a placebo and went into shock.'

"So I guess this probably counts as an adverse event."

'We don't have the answer, but we're really getting off on the attention.'

'It's nothing that a few stem cells and 75 years of research can't fix.'

"Kind of makes your feel large and significant, doesn't it?"

Hospital chart 'GTACT...'

'Amazing this pizza looks just like a brain scan of someone who's experiencing apophenia'

Drug misuse research institute.

'It's something so rare, Google doesn't know.'

Pharmacy: 'It's a real miracle drug! It hasn't been recalled once by the FDA in 20 years on the market.'

'That new antibiotic seems to be working. Time to evolve again.'

"We came up with a pill that cures everything...but I'm warning you, it's gonna be expensive."

'The survival of this patient is a true testimony to the blessing of modern science.'

'You've got the worst case of whatever this is, I've ever seen.'

I suppose this probably counts as an adverse event.

'Is it true? You've been selling your venom to pharmaceutical companies to make anti-venom? Traitor!'

'I'm sorry, but there are now 16,000 medical jounals, and I no longer have time to see any patients.'

"It's time I got a bigger sword!"

'Funny you should say that...'

'Just for kicks, let's come up with something that has a good side effect.'

First clue that the latest medical breakthrough isn't quite there yet.