Medical Pun Fan Gifts

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

'Goodness, no Doctor, my husband is not calling you any insulting names. He's a duck and that's the only word he knows.'

Lactose Intolerant

Medical Building Directory: Dr. Larry Nix, Dr. Sally Putty, etc..

'And when did you have your last owl movement?'

'Before you see any patients have you completed your hand sterilisation and soap management course?'

"If you'd only come to me sooner I wouldn't have had to go to lunch."

"In case something happens during the surgery and you become incapacitated, have you designated someone to make poor life choices on your behalf?"

"All my symptoms are old ... "

MEDICAL SCHOOL, 'I didn't know you COULD specialize in insurance.'

"Remember, if I'm ever on life support unplug me... then plug me back in. See if that works."

'I'm afraid that serves you right for not wearing your safety goggles!'

'He's got abdominal pain, dizziness and soreness in his extremities. I'll know more when I see X-rays...'

Doctor performing an ultrasound on a Russian nesting doll

'Who wants to be examined first?'

"...for a canal I thought that was unusually short."

"I think it stopped breathing."

"How long were you in the waiting room?"

Dog forced to return bone

'My boyfriend's a Cardiologist.'

'Let me get this straight- you went to a GUY-ne-cologist, to discuss MEN-o-pause?'

'Your 'bad' cholesterol levels are right off the chart.'

"Please, doc, pull the plug. Not on me...on the TV!"

"My first night in the lab and I was clearly the smallest brain in the place."

"The patient in 12-C needs comforting."

'Oh, well... Accidents will happen.'

"It's probably a fracture - we'll do some imaging on it just to be sure."

'That's not what I meant by 'IV'.'

'My goodness, how many miricle drugs did they give you?'

"Well, you may not have the body of an athlete, but you certainly have the foot of one."

"You're suffering from extreme laziness."

"Bad news. Your use-by date was a month ago."

"I'd have been here sooner if it hadn't been for early detection."

"The colonoscopy isn't your eternal punishment...the prep is."