Medical Pun Fan Gifts

It's a pretty serious chemical imbalance, Mr. Sims

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

'Goodness, no Doctor, my husband is not calling you any insulting names. He's a duck and that's the only word he knows.'

Lactose Intolerant

Medical Building Directory: Dr. Larry Nix, Dr. Sally Putty, etc..

'Before you see any patients have you completed your hand sterilisation and soap management course?'

'And when did you have your last owl movement?'

"If you'd only come to me sooner I wouldn't have had to go to lunch."

'I'm afraid that serves you right for not wearing your safety goggles!'

"Remember, if I'm ever on life support unplug me... then plug me back in. See if that works."

"All my symptoms are old ... "

MEDICAL SCHOOL, 'I didn't know you COULD specialize in insurance.'

"In case something happens during the surgery and you become incapacitated, have you designated someone to make poor life choices on your behalf?"

'He's got abdominal pain, dizziness and soreness in his extremities. I'll know more when I see X-rays...'

Doctor performing an ultrasound on a Russian nesting doll

"How long were you in the waiting room?"

'Who wants to be examined first?'

"...for a canal I thought that was unusually short."

"I think it stopped breathing."

Dog forced to return bone

'My boyfriend's a Cardiologist.'

'Let me get this straight- you went to a GUY-ne-cologist, to discuss MEN-o-pause?'

'Your 'bad' cholesterol levels are right off the chart.'

'Oh, well... Accidents will happen.'

"My first night in the lab and I was clearly the smallest brain in the place."

"Please, doc, pull the plug. Not on me...on the TV!"

"The patient in 12-C needs comforting."

"It's probably a fracture - we'll do some imaging on it just to be sure."

'That's not what I meant by 'IV'.'

"Bad news. Your use-by date was a month ago."

"Well, you may not have the body of an athlete, but you certainly have the foot of one."

"You're suffering from extreme laziness."

'My goodness, how many miricle drugs did they give you?'

"I'd have been here sooner if it hadn't been for early detection."