Medical Joke Fan Gifts

Dog forced to return bone

Osteoporosis Clinic

'Will the results of this probe be sent to my gastroenterologist?'

"Your sodium level is high...probably from taking everything you hear with a grain of salt!"

'You've got termites.'

'But you told me to work eight hours, play eight hours and sleep eight hours. But not the same eight hours.'

Feed a clod, starve a feeble...

'The good news is that you look good. The bad news is that you're not as good as you look.'

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

'I really enjoyed my stay in the hospital - I never get served breakfast in bed at home.'

'Goodness, no Doctor, my husband is not calling you any insulting names. He's a duck and that's the only word he knows.'

Lactose Intolerant

"If you'd only come to me sooner I wouldn't have had to go to lunch."

'Before you see any patients have you completed your hand sterilisation and soap management course?'

'And when did you have your last owl movement?'

'I'm afraid that serves you right for not wearing your safety goggles!'

"In case something happens during the surgery and you become incapacitated, have you designated someone to make poor life choices on your behalf?"

"All my symptoms are old ... "

'He's got abdominal pain, dizziness and soreness in his extremities. I'll know more when I see X-rays...'

Doctor performing an ultrasound on a Russian nesting doll

"I think it stopped breathing."

'A Caesarian? - But I want my son to be a natural-born citizen!'

'Who wants to be examined first?'

"How long were you in the waiting room?"

'My boyfriend's a Cardiologist.'

'Let me get this straight- you went to a GUY-ne-cologist, to discuss MEN-o-pause?'

'Your 'bad' cholesterol levels are right off the chart.'

'Oh, well... Accidents will happen.'

"My first night in the lab and I was clearly the smallest brain in the place."

"Please, doc, pull the plug. Not on me...on the TV!"

"The patient in 12-C needs comforting."

"It's probably a fracture - we'll do some imaging on it just to be sure."

'That's not what I meant by 'IV'.'

'My goodness, how many miricle drugs did they give you?'