Meat Substitute Magician Gifts

'That IS the chef's surprise, sir -- the pork chops are really tofu.'

'I sent out for everything.'

On August 14, 2011 at app. 2:00 p, Derek Winslow made scientific history by converting an item of the animal kingdom into an item of the plant kingdom.

"Behold! As I transform this family size frozen lasagna into a meal for one."

Domestic Goddess.

"Maybe if we added some pumpkin spice?"

The Witches Discover The Wok

'May future generations forgive you for eating that sausage...'

Party time.

Frank & Ernie's Diner. Today: Yogurt Surprise. We call it "yogurt surprise" because we couldn't read the expiration date on the carton.

'We apologise for the delay to the yum-yum train.'

The louder the kid, the tighter the lid.

"Did you remove the bay leaf?"

"The secret of my success is combining eggs, meat and bread in enough ways to make an eight page breakfast menu."

"Tell me what you think of the menu. I wrote it."

Culinary surgery.

'I love it when you cook - it lets me practice faking it.'

'New Barbeque.'

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

"The doctor told me I needed to burn some fat, so I'm grilling a steak!"

"Today's special is puréed sweet potato on cracker."

'Marmaduke, have you been drooling on my cookbooks again?'

Vets: 'That's funny, he was here a minute ago.'

"It's the Chef Surprise."

"Tonight, we'll be eating hot dogs with a mustard-ketchup-and-pickle purée, accompanied by peas lightly sprinkled with ketchup. Then fettuccine al dente with a ketchup sauce, followed by applesauce maison with a dollop of you know what!"

"No animals were harmed during this performance!"

"Do you have something for somebody with no palette, no taste and no money?"

'After you with the camouflage.'

'Carb or non-carb section?'

"We're making progress."

'There's something wrong with the slow cooker. I check it every minute but nothing's cooking!'

"It's a little bland, because I microwaved it."

"Every time my wife has an accident in the kitchen, I end up eating it. . ."

"Cheer up! There's a magic ingredient that makes it easy to eat vegetables...CHEESE SAUCE!"

'Howard's short stay in the hospital was good for both of us. He finally appreciates my cooking.'