Mature Drinker Gifts

'It's true that whiskey improves with age: the older I get, the more I like it.'

Wine Lady

"OK. . .stain, aspirin, water tablet, B12 vitamin, and whisky."

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

'Man...You age great!'

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

This is what Fred gets for wishing for more hair.

The drinker.

"He's one hundred and five years old and I think it's disgusting!"

'Tweet me when I'm flagged...hashtag 'drunk'.'

Cocktails and Peacocks

"Decide who you are, Wanona, before you buy sheets."

'Maturity: the instant-degratification phase of life.'

'And, may I add, this hat does not scream, 'Bald Guy'.'

"Honey, I'll be right back – I forgot to stop at the bar on the way home."

'I can give up drinking and lead a normal life?- Make up your mind, will you?'

"Anyone here a 'worthless, no-good drunken bum'?"

"So how did 'DRY JANUARY' go?"

Oh, The Putzing You'll Do

"Some are born old."

"I like worrying about the future. I'm so busy I don't regret the past."

"Can Eddie come out and throw his goddam back out?"

Optimist - Pessimist - Pragmatist

"My therapist told me to stop bottling things up."

'I just hate how everyone sees everything as black or white!'

"How do I leave the house again? Is it keys then shoes then socks?"

"This time you can start over without the hubris of youth."

"When I'm legless, make sure to switch me to the cheaper brands..."

Traditional ale,Traditional Drunk

'They're nice, but do you really expect me to drink my imported Merlot from domestic Merlot glasses?'

Joe's Bar: Ask about our self-esteem seminar.