Maternal Detective Pillows

"Mom can't really have eyes in the back of her head....they must be tiny security cameras!"

Wildlife

"You say it all the time, so I climbed every tree to prove it. You were right, money doesn't grow on trees."

"And, when the DNA test results arrived, the woman realized her so-called 'little terrier mix' had been part German shepherd all along."

'I know he doesn't like this house, but he'll just have to get used to it.'

"You can't prove that I broke it! Where's your physical evidence? Fingerprints or a DNA profile?"

$1: Family Secrets

"I'm not growling, it's my stomach rumbling!"

'So who needs sonar?!'

No kicking: 12-6 Mon-Sun

"Hello? Is that the canine help line?...."

"Pssst. Fake poop."

Sergeant Jones gave the assurance that they had an 'assortment' of leads back at the station. . .

Unbeknownst to most, dogs are actually greedy bastards searching for gold,

'There's no such thing as 'ookawooka-itis' -- You have got to stop watching doctor shows!'

"What's all this?"

"Stanley, this is a historic moment. We've discovered the world's longest kiss. Guinness Book of Records here we come!"

'I've forgotten the author and title - do you read minds?'

"That's why I don't use those dog carriers."

"If you could live your life all over again, what dead animals would you roll in?"

"Aw, Dad! I don't wanna move. I just made friends with a fossil!"

"You're not a police dog, and that's not a crime scene."

'It's restless leg syndrome, I just know it.'

Those missing socks...where do they go?

"The doctors say you're not doing enough to diagnose yourself."

"The guy I bought him from says he's a pure sheepdog."

Vet to angry-looking dog: 'You ate some crabgrass, eh? Were you self-medicating again?'

"I had no idea. You mean I'm a dog?"

'I read all the parenting books, but you always manage to stay one step ahead of me!'

Darlene, my intelligence tells me that your fiance is a slob. What intelligence, Rudy? Surveillance photos – dirty clothes and towels thrown on the floor. Dishes piled up in the sink. That's my Mel? How did you get those? Top-flight government spy methods. House of Java.net Cybercafe.

John Snow

"Should I tell her I'm a PTSD support dog specializing in disease and illegal drug scent detection?" "Should I tell him his ear's inside out?"

I see you've caught my honey robber.'

'Let's do the Good Dog, Bad Dog routine.'

"You know something doc, he weirdly kind of resembles you."