Maternal Detective Pillows

"Mom can't really have eyes in the back of her head....they must be tiny security cameras!"

Wildlife

"You say it all the time, so I climbed every tree to prove it. You were right, money doesn't grow on trees."

"And, when the DNA test results arrived, the woman realized her so-called 'little terrier mix' had been part German shepherd all along."

"You can't prove that I broke it! Where's your physical evidence? Fingerprints or a DNA profile?"

'I know he doesn't like this house, but he'll just have to get used to it.'

$1: Family Secrets

"I'm not growling, it's my stomach rumbling!"

'So who needs sonar?!'

No kicking: 12-6 Mon-Sun

"Hello? Is that the canine help line?...."

"Pssst. Fake poop."

Sergeant Jones gave the assurance that they had an 'assortment' of leads back at the station. . .

Unbeknownst to most, dogs are actually greedy bastards searching for gold,

'There's no such thing as 'ookawooka-itis' -- You have got to stop watching doctor shows!'

"Stanley, this is a historic moment. We've discovered the world's longest kiss. Guinness Book of Records here we come!"

"What's all this?"

'I've forgotten the author and title - do you read minds?'

"If you could live your life all over again, what dead animals would you roll in?"

"Aw, Dad! I don't wanna move. I just made friends with a fossil!"

"You're not a police dog, and that's not a crime scene."

'It's restless leg syndrome, I just know it.'

Those missing socks...where do they go?

"The doctors say you're not doing enough to diagnose yourself."

"The guy I bought him from says he's a pure sheepdog."

'I read all the parenting books, but you always manage to stay one step ahead of me!'

Vet to angry-looking dog: 'You ate some crabgrass, eh? Were you self-medicating again?'

"I had no idea. You mean I'm a dog?"

John Snow

Wanted dog! reward!

'Let's do the Good Dog, Bad Dog routine.'

He Did It!

"Should I tell her I'm a PTSD support dog specializing in disease and illegal drug scent detection?" "Should I tell him his ear's inside out?"

"You know something doc, he weirdly kind of resembles you."