Master Of Overreactions Pillows

Departments of hand-wringing, pearl- clutching, forehead-slapping, eyeball-rolling, head-scratching, hair-splitting.

"Don't worry about it now, but I'll need that hook back when you're done."

'I made them during the blizzard in January. Whad'ya say we go liven up my sister's pool party?'

'Well, well - this should create a nice little wave of panic and hysteria.'

"Congratulations on your entertaining presentation skills Smith, and the way they hide your dismal sales figures!"

"No worries. I'm well-prepped and ready for anything they might throw at me."

DIY expert.

"Mom, all I did was fall off my bike and skin my knee."

"You will be pleased to know that the children said sorry!"

"I wear it whenever I sack someone, I think it makes it less traumatic."

'While Dewey distracts the defense, the quarterback simply jogs into the end zone untouched.'

"He wasn't specific. His last message just said, play it safe - whatever that means."

'He was right at his desk a moment ago.'

"And that one I tagged with a flamethrower from ten yards."

Took a tiny nothing molehill and created this huge, amazing mountain

'What's procrastination?'

"You don't need to conduct me so hard-I'm right here."

'Oh, I would say it was at least twice that size, and it had fangs and horns too...'

'When I said 'I'm breaking out,' I meant that the food here is messing with my acne.'

"Hard work, determination, success!"

"Today our panel will be discussing the distinguishing characteristics between the UPS and FedEx truck, and the appropriate corresponding overreaction."

"I survived this long by telling all the young toms that a farmer will bring an ax to cut the fence down and set free the first turkey he sees."

"C'mon. She's clearly just a rebound girl."

The Institute of Time Mismanagement Asks: 'Are You Procrastinating to Your Full Potential?'

'We'll be back in an hour. Answer the phone if it rings, Burl.' 'What if it doesn't?'

KEYS TO SUCCESSFUL MEETINGS: Don't be distracted by non-essential activities, no matter how much fun they may be.

Ask Sadie. Sadie, when are you going to stop fighting it and admit your passionate love for Rudy? Signed, Conrad. *Actual reader letter. Who let this question in? I want my producers fired, then fileted, then fired again, and then run down by a car filled with clowns. Seems a little defensive there, Snookums. Clown car!

'See? — that's the big one I got away from.'

Complaints: "Don't make me angry - you wouldn't LIKE me when I'm angry!"

"It's just a sprain. But let me put a cast on it so you won't look like an idiot for screaming like a freakin' schoolgirl."

'Someone has made a mountain out of our molehill.'

A prisoner holding a sign with arrows pointing in all directions as a police officer looks on from a police van.

"Is your five year plan allowing for potential prison stints?"

Too quiet.

'Now is a good time to take up smoking.'