Master Of Mishaps Pillows

"Don't worry about it now, but I'll need that hook back when you're done."

"You will be pleased to know that the children said sorry!"

"It's the MacArthur Foundation! They've heard about your special genius for saying the dumbest thing at the worst possible moment, and they're giving you a grant!"

DIY expert.

"Have you been eating the paste again, Todd?"

Mulching Vacuum Cleaner

Man's cooking explodes.

Kiss the Commander in Chef

"I accidentally shredded an important document, so I'm trying to piece it back together. It should only take a few years."

'I hate to tell you... it's not 'amber waves of gain'.'

"|For some reason, the boss is obsessed with my screen."

Houdini's infancy.

"Oh, sorry—I think I just butt-summoned you."

Magician hitting someone while performing a trick.

Clancy: Around here we call that progress!

'It hasn't been a complete failure - we've learned volumes about falling.'

"Who would've thought Ms. Marcus had so little sense of humor?"

"Mum, the milk's trying to escape!"

"Melisa! - Your spelling is atrocious!"

"At least she got it to squeak when she tripped over it."

"This next one's a sad little number I call, 'I left my guitar on the F train.'"

spellchecker

'Did you see my ball come by here?'

"The operation was a huge success, Mr. Smith, but we're going to have to open you up again - we appear to have lost a nurse."

"Did you accidentally put the DVD of 'Taxi Driver' in her 'Wheels on the Bus' case?"

"It might be a better trick if you didn't use see-through glass"

"The card you are thinking of is... the fifth of Jacks!"

Dyslexic Palm Reading

Magician conjures up a crocodile and is chased by it

'Andy, I want you to put on this clown outfit and hand out balloons today.'

'Your kinect is broken.'

'This is Jake. I'm not in now, so please leave a message...HELLO! HELLO! This is Jake! Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm just mesin' with you! I'm still NOT in!'

I'm sure it's here somewhere!

"Careful - it's full of lies."

Firemen called to a cooking accident.