Master Of Manners Gifts

"Polite company does not discuss religion, politics, education, gender, climate, diet, credit scores..."

'It's a chart of office morale. This is where you went on vacation.'

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

'Ok..Ok...I'm putting the lawnmower back in the shed!'

"I wanted a Meticulous Monday or a Thorough Thursday report. This reads more like a Frivolous Friday."

Phone solicitors like customers who are afraid to hang up.

My friend here is being FAR too modest! He's not just ANY bartender! Karl's the guy who invented the Fuzzy Navel!'

"He's obedient as long as my requests align with his internal moral imperatives."

"Grace and polish, all bundled up together in one man?"

Say It Ain't So, Ho

'That concludes my prepared remarks. I'll take questions that fit my prepared answers.'

'I thanked my teacher for teaching me so well, and she fainted.'

Mortified that her hospital gown did not close all the way in the back...

"Parting the church lawn and the Red Sea are not exactly the same ."

Break Bread, Not Wind.

"Mum says I've got to thank you if you gave me anything."

'My backhanded compliments to the chef.'

'Son, now that you're 16, I thought I'd let you drive.'

"People come to the park to relax. If you want to run wild yelling your head off, wait until we're at a nice restaurant."

"And remember, the phone goes to the left of the entree fork."

'Just because you happen to turn into a wolf during a full moon, dear, doesn't mean you have to act like one!'

"Down."

"It's not what it looks like" - What the illusionist said when his wife walked in.

"I take the fun out of everything. What do you do?"

'Say it, don't spray it.'

'Six: Grip steering wheel tightly.'

'Wall hugging won't get you past me without a 'Good morning', Carson.'

Road Signs to Come. . .

Etiquette and the mobile phone - "Oh hi. I'm on a training course."

"No mutating at the table, please."

"Your table manners are disgusting....Where did you learn to swallow your food without chewing?"

"Your manners are impeccable!"

'Just tell them to hashtag f*** off.'

"Yes, this is my majesty!"

'Most people use the thongs.'