Married Life Ponderer Pillows

'If global warming is real...how come your feet never get any warmer?'

My Wife Went To Heaven And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt.

Adam and Eve: Reconcilable Differences

"Sorry, that was just the wet diaper talking."

"Were we expecting a baby?"

'And when your mother said that you would never be an Olympic gymnast, how did that make you feel?'

'I'm not sure what I want out of life, but I want a lot of it.'

'Hey Mum, look what I caught!'

The meaning of life is to avoid falling rocks

'Mom says she has a souffl

"Death coach..."

'I've used up all my eligibilities'

'I think I'm getting somewhere. On the way over I stopped to smell the flowers.'

'You're due in September, however, since you're not mentally ready, let's make it October!'

"Weeds are like kids. They grow up so fast."

'Don't be so sensitive,I only dozed of for a moment.'

"Really? After all these years of you begging me to let you come and howl at the moon, now that you're a teenager, it's not cool to be seen with your dad!"

"I needed a gig to tide me over between baby booms."

'Male, 38, still living with his parents. They asked us to keep him overnight, so they could change the locks.'

Baxter finally gets a life

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'

'WOW, congratulations, Ma'am! You're having Quads!'

Truth

"Last time I saw you, you were just a baby."

"it's just... we're too lazy to have any of our own."

'Well, great! I raise you to be a vicious bird of prey, and you wanna be a songbird!'

'When are you going to take it out of its original package?'

Mrs Cat waiting for Mr Cat coming home late.

"In a former life, I was exactly the same."

Wally dozes off in the middle of his mid-life crisis.

'Ted, you won't climb the corporate ladder if you keep taking paternity leave!'

"You'll find they stay pretty needy 'til about 300 months."

"I just don't know what to do with myself in that long stretch after college but before social security."

Children.

Mrs. Almighty.