Marriage Marvelers Pillows

"When we got married, you said we'd be in the lap of luxury...but here we are, in the butt of bankruptcy!"

"She just takes things too seriously in our relationship."

'My client has no problem with 'richer' and 'in health'. Our points of contention are 'poorer' and 'in sickness'.'

"Y'know, I don't know what I'd do without her, but I'd sure like to find out."

A clerk asking for time off to get married.

'And thanks be to the lord that we're going out to eat on Friday...'

'It WAS rather unkind of you to hide his bottle-opener, Mrs Jones.'

"It's nothing, go back to sleep. I was just getting a DNA sample."

'Wait a minute -- you haven't said anything about a retirement age.'

'With this ring I thee dropped it -'

Bride is angry, as she notices that the groom figure on the cake is drunk.

"I must come to the supermarket with you sometime dear, they seem to sell everything!"

"You might want to save that for your blog."

'I'm sorry, Ralph, but you're going to have to move out - Prissy's allergy to your dandruff is getting worse.'

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

'Just think, darling - tomorrow the cooking will be all mine and the dishes yours!'

'...Love, honor, and obey, no strings attached?'

'Would it upset you is I said I'm not bothered if your heart isn't in it?'

"By the time we can marry in all fifty states, we'll probably be divorced."

"I’ll give you my answer in ... just ... one ... minute."

Couple on a Tandem Cycling in Different Directions

"You're lucky your garden failed. If I'd had to can it, it would've been your marriage."

'In defense of forgetting our anniversary, I forgot we're married.'

'Your wife's on line three. And she's asked for the speaker phone to be put on full volume.'

"We can go with the hormone-replacement therapy or skip straight to the husband replacement."

'My wife! The therapist we hired to help us reinvigorate our marriage!'

"You may now begin venting about each other's wedding-prep behavior."

'I've been married to your sister for 9 years, so why should I be scared of you?'

'You're becoming so distant, Els!'

'How much is that yuppy in the window?'

'Wait...if you leave me, can I come too?'

Lady vicar offering new bride a husband owner's manual.

"I've just finished crafting a non-violent solution to our problems."