Market Research Gifts

When Focus Group Researchers Go Head to Head

"There's a lot of uncertainty out there these days. Or not. Who knows?"

'We need a bit more science in our market surveys.'

The client would prefer fewer open-ended questions.

Random sample.

'As you can see the market forecast is quite loopy in the next quarter.'

"Let's shrink Big Data into Small Data... and hope it magically becomes Great Data."

Customer Complaints - "Thank you, Thompson, for collecting the statistics."

'Contrary to popular opinion, most people's opinions aren't so popular.'

Gobbledygookologist

'And finally question fifty, do you ever feel like killing someone?'

"But sir, you may think you want underwear, but your internet consumer profile says you want a jet ski."

Market Research - "I'm trying to remember to pick up a loaf of bread, but there's a 38% probability that I'll forget."

'They say money can't buy happiness. Find out what can.'

"Actual results indicate that the statistical analysis of the data which projections were based on may have been wrong."

"I'm not trying to sell you anything, sir. I'm doing market research, and all I ask is two or three hours of your time to answer a few thousand questions."

Focus group

"Yes, you caught me at a bad time...I'm home!"

'He'll love this cologne. It has the scent of an undervalued stock.'

'Sorry, sir, but we don't have a category for that.'

"That's our department of microeconomics."

"When we went inside the numbers, we found goo."

'86.4% of people use phony statistics to get their point across.'

'According to our research 56% of the 34% of people responded to the 48% of questionnaires sent out thought the statistics were meaningless.'

'Have I lived here all my life? Not yet!'

'After analyzing 5 petabytes of Facebook data and 800 million tweets we were able to conclude that our customers are idiots.'

'...And our business intelligence system tells you exactly how our business is performing. I find it best not to look!'

Piano tuning shop in desert - "Ok, so I'll do a bit more market research next time."

Focus groups for hire.

'...while 86 million prefer grilled cheese, and 58.7 million of them like mustard on it.'

Market researchers were advised never to target Labour MP's.

"My salary market survey reveals that the Nelsons pay two dollars an hour more than you, and their kids are much easier to babysit."

Lemonade Survey

Technical Performance Ranking, Consumer Satisfaction Survey, and Word on the Street.

'Research shows people of my age, ethnicity, height, weight, residential preference and income, invest in demographics.'