Marine Communicator Gifts

'Please don't encourage them: Stop trying to communicate with them...'

"Barking sometimes helps me relax. But then it drives the neighbors crazy."

Very Difficult Conversations

"They didn't want to be identified in my photo, so I blurred their butts."

"The answer to bone loss is to bury them deeper.'

"They communicate through clicks and taps."

Text Culture

"I'm all for pushing them out of the nest, but maybe next time we could wait till they hatch."

"Just a brief moment, Linda, to thank you for my delicious meals. And if you need me by your side... just whistle." "What fresh hell is this?"

"Bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: fwd: bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: fwd: fwd: bark bark bark bark"

"Look, he just wants to apologize for scaring the daylights out of you yesterday. ... Mr. Squirrel? ..."

"You understand that they call you 'good boy' because they can't remember your name, right? They never forget my name, they care about me..."

"You don't whisper anymore."

'You'll get five paid sick days, plus an additional two when you're shedding your skin.'

'Polly wants a cracker! Fetch!'

Pet psychic -- yup, she's for real.

I've found you can say anything you like to them, as long as you're wagging your tail.

"I think it loves us."

"Just what emotion is your emotional support dog supporting?"

"If it's a series of patterned clicks, I'm not here."

"Dude, I'm losing you in this tunnel."

"Hold that thought, my love. I'm listening – I just need to pee on those daylilies."

"Yes, that's the tree with all the squirrels from yesterday. And no, I don't know where they are today."

Get out of the way, Harold - I'm trying to talk to Cuddles.

"And here is the very stone that finally enabled us to figure out what all those dogs and cats were saying."

"Are you happy with your current ball?"

"Obviously, I can't fly like you, but if you teach me, I can probably sing like you..."

'I'm having a bad whisker day.'

"I'm returning home triumphant - do you need me to pick anything up?"

The bluebird of passive-aggressiveness

'Quotes, woof, woof, woof, woof, closed quotes.'

'Is it one moo for yes two moos for no?'

'Young Master and I are both turning two: How come I'm so much more mature than he is?'

"The etchings are in the library."

I have an idea for a new app: It'll tell you what your dog is thinking. What? How? Through a sensor planted in the dog's collar. Every time it barks, whines or sighs, the sensor will beam an English translation to your phone. It'll either say "feed me," "walk me," "I need to potty," or "leave me alone," or a random combination of those. That sounds like the most useless app ever. It'll also shout "I'm running!" when the dog is running.