Managerial Humor Lover Pillows

'C.J will see you now.'

'I'm way too young and inexperienced to be your boss, Simpkins. Therefore, I'm holding you fully responsible for all my mistakes.'

'And the largest slice is mine.'

'I hope you're not threatened by powerful women, because you're fired.'

'If I had to use one word to describe our strategy.'

"I was just going to say, 'Well, I don't make the rules.' But, of course, I do make the rules."

'I hate leaving work when I feel I could have delegated more.'

"I spent all day learning productivity hacks"

'I've decided to step down as your CEO in order to spend more time in jail...'

"Hold my calls, Kimberly. I'm with a ball of string."

"We're looking for that perfect blend of vision, ambition and ethical ambiguity."

'I'm promoting you to project coordinator because you seem to have an overall view of things.'

'What's wrong now?'

"On the plus side, I finally have a key to the executive washroom."

"Who gave you permission to ask for a raise?"

'Does your mother know you keep a messy office?'

'Pick a contract...any contract!'

'I have much less stress since I replaced my in box with a paper shredder.'

'I heard the Board was talking about kicking you, but I don't know if it's upstairs or out.'

'I need to talk to you about the coffee fund.'

'You earned this corner office by cutting corners...'

"I made money the old fashioned way. I inherited it."

'You can drop all the hints you like, Jones. We're not buying you a computer.'

'An exxpert team set up a team of special consultants, that then set up a committee whose members asked their 7 year old kids. Now 14 months later they've concluded we're not efficient enough.'

'You'll get five paid sick days, plus an additional two when you're shedding your skin.'

'I'm sure he was a great guy, but there's a new Pharaoh in town.'

'What a CV - if you can write memos like this you'll go far in our organisation.'

"The company is very keen on diversity, could you reapply as a woman?"

"Imagine if only 1/2 the companies that claimed to have a great culture actually did."

'I give this one about three months...'

The Department of Mystery - No one really knows who we are or what we do, including us.

"Our new information management system has just worked out where we wasted most money last year. . . It was on the new information management system."

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

'The good news is we're projecting a profit. The bad news is, none of us will be alive then.'