Management Miracle Worker Gifts

"Managing a complex project in these fractious times requires imagination, the first thing I’d like you to imagine is that you have a team to help you."

"Is this to make me feel bad for not getting you that laptop?"

Business meeting, CEO is dressed strangely as he asks: 'Any questions?'

Team Leader

Employee won't think about work outside of box

"Three weeks until the pitch, LOADS of time!"

"Delegating authority is good. Delegating blame is better."

"You haven't been laid off because you're the designated scapegoat."

"The only good news this year, gentlemen, is our massive bonuses."

"I don't know whether your tired, anxious, nervous, or whatever. But it looks like a clear case of performance anxiety."

'This is what happens when we give up our resistance to change.'

I'm afraid neatness doesn't count, Mrs Wilson

'I think I'm decisive. Can I get back to you on that?'

'He wasn't doing a bit good, until I changed his glasses.'

'In keeping with the team approach, we've traded you for two middle managers to be named later.'

"Let me through - I'm a bonsai tree surgeon."

"Office of quality assurance"

"Is there any way we can skip right to adulthood and start being in charge?"

'We're not interested in loyalty,but we do value obedience.'

"He's right, but he didn't have to rub our faces in it."

'Knock it off. That's just the kind of backward thinking I was talking about.'

"Things are getting desperate...we have to do something!"

'That line means good managerial skills!'

Colin had finished the 'One Minute Manager' and was now practising the 3467 minute tea break.

A Tax Auditor Prescribes Treatment For A Doctor's Condition

'What do I do now? -- the company I buy my malpractice insurance from is being sued for malpractice!'

' I used to lead by example but it was too much work.'

'When are you going to show some INITIATIVE, Findley?', 'When you TELL me to, sir!'

'Don't just sit there, hire someone who agrees with me.'

'The ethics consultant said our business conduct is immoral. I immediately took action and fired the guy.'

"Look, I took my own kidney out."

"You're wrong! I'm not the worst boss you've ever had. I'm the worst former boss you've ever had."

'Managing a team in the current climate requires new skills...'

I understand you all have names already, but if I want to assign my employees names I like, Margeret, I'll damn well go ahead and do it!

Miss Jones, get me another eyebrow.