Management Jargon Lover Gifts

"We can't call it restructuring,we did that in '99 and '2002..." "And we used 'reorganisation' in 2000 and 2003." "What about 'strategic reorientation' We haven't done that since 2004."

'I am not your boss Linda. I am your 'team leader'.'

"Bert, I'm confused. What happens after we circle the wagons, tighten our belts and walk a mile in our customer's shoes? Is that when the chickens come home to roost?"

"We need to reset our fiscal compass to the changing business horizon."

"We need a best practice swim lane to leverage our core competency, move the needle outside the box, and open the kimono while keeping our ducks in a row. Can anyone give me a sustainable solution to more vertical effectiveness without getting too granula

"Here, we do not procrastinate, we 'table' things."

I love it when you speak Wall Streetese. Say 'to the upside' for me.

"This is what we call a 'customer', or more accurately a 'potential profit centre.'"

"Sophia, will you agree to form a joint exploratory committee for marriage?"

'Your proposal is written with clarity and conviction. Send it up to legal for obfuscation.'

We don't call these savage screaming fits. We call them confrontation verbal interfacing.

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

'Do you know how much it cost me to LEARN all this psychobabble?'

"I swear, Bob, if you say "I'll think about it and circle back to you" one more time...X"

"As your new CEO, I hereby change 'deadline' to 'soft squiggle.'"

'This is gobbledygook. I asked for mumbo-jumbo.'

"Mommy is having another baby. Let me assure you that any paradigm shift will be incremental, core values remain family-centric, and Mommy is committed to assimilation and building synergy."

"He has to put a fiver in every time he says 'fiscal imperative' or 'target orientated processes'"

'We've had a marginal advance-decline on a near-term buy-out, but no one knows if that translates as a downturn or an up-tick.'

"We’re leveraging knowledge of niche opportunities to maximize strategic advantages."

"Can you smell that, Jacobs? That’s the smell of me about to offer you a retirement package."

"The best laid plans of mice and men... differ materially in their objectives."

"I kicked the idea of mowing the lawn into the long grass."

GDP and G&T.

'Don't you all feel energised, full of enthusiasm for the future!'

Terms and conditions on the mount

"Miss Davis, bring me everything we've got on turning a two-bit hole-in-the-wall operation into a multinational juggernaut."

"Enhanced branding metrics drive robust solutions for scalable monetization of jargon."

'Ladies and gentlemen, we are the best team money can buy. Now LET'S PLAY BALL!'

"Al could you unpack these mining issues for us whilst Joel drills down to get some detail on the parcel problem."

'Warspeak department' making up new military terminology.

'Ms. Kravetz, find me a euphemism to describe this productivity gain somewhere between resource action and you're all fired.'

Digital Marketing

"This is Rob Dolan on a recorded line, anything you say may be held against you in a court of law."

"Thank you for coming. The talks were forthright and useful, and provided an excellent climate in which to resolve our remaining differences."