Management Consultant Pillows

"Mr. Sherman, you hired our team of management consultants to stremline your enterprise, and that is precisely what we are doing."

"What can we do about this leadership course,,," "I don't know,what do you think" "Isn't there anyone we could ask"

'Got to admit,as far as mission statements go, it's pretty damn bold.'

Just Merged.

I need someone who'll ask the tough questions, no matter how risky.

Target setting: 'What about 38%, we haven't used 38% for a while.'

"Tim, there's more to coaching than trying to get everyone to be just like you!"

'This is Bob - our secret agent of change.'

"The consultants we brought in to monitor the consultants who are looking into our cutting back on consultants are recommending specialist consultants."

'We had a group think about implementing paradigm shifting re-prioritisations of our inward facing media strategy in order to enhance our communication with the average man on the street.'

"Does our improvement really need to be so continuous?"

"How do we know it's not full of consultants?"

'Now's a good time to get a feel for your negotiating skills.'

'This merger will cut jobs 40%, reduce salaries 30% and increase the work hours 25%. Your job is to make this look like the best thing that ever happened to our employees.'

There are better responses to 'change' than running around the office screaming 'We're doomed!'

'Let's all link hands and think positive thoughts...'

Fortunately there was an interpreter for those who understood sign language.

"I am afraid Mr. Jones is in his career coaching session. Can I get him to call you back?"

Job Creation Scheme.

"Prioritising focus based paradigms with an outcome driven programme, blah, blah." "Did you understand any of that?" "Only the Blah! Blah! bit."

"You can increase your profits 60% by pressuring staff into more unpaid overtime...that will be ?83,000 please."

'Call a meeting, they're up to something, again.'

Quality Control

After paying the IT consultants we didn't have enough left for proper laptops!

"My firm has scrutinised your accounts and determined you could save a fortune by the sacking us...that'll be £300,000 please!"

Balancing Family and Work

"May I offer a very different scenario?"

'Good morning, I am Mister Greenreaper independent consultant. The management has asked me to reorganize your department in oder to improve its productivity and its competivity.'

"Yes, I specialize in helping people like through the changes ahead: Change is good if you embrace it..."

"It's from corporate. They need us to cut operating expenses even more."

NHS spends ?989 million on management consulatants

Mentors guide you through the maze.

"It's more relevant than some of the other theme parks we've been to."

'Oh why did I bring in that management consultant?'

An hour's free consultation...