Major League Player Gifts

'Would you mind not standing behind my back!'

'I'm sorry, ma'am, but your husband was killed in a pitcher's duel.'

Mr. Metamorphosis: "At least this better than waking up as a cockroach."

Life with a professional baseball catcher.

What McWit lacks in speed he gains in nose.

'Look around, son. See if there's one you like. But remember: These are abandoned players, unwanted by their teams - so they might come with some psychological baggage.'

'I'm not abandoned. I'm a free agent.'

Radar Gun Readings at Baseball Stadium

"Lordy, I am such a klutz!"

"I was sent down to the minors and from there to Europe, and one thing just led to another."

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

"Damn those dugout Martinis!"

Bobby's pitching coach told him to put some stank on the ball.

Perils of the double play.

'Unbelievable, these guys brought a ringer.'

Bases loaded, no outs. And coach once again turns to his trusty golden reliever.

"He's got great velocity but his trajectory needs work."

'Let's give it five more minutes. If they haven't eased up on the lasers by then, we'll have to postpone the game.'

The Other Cooperstown

No Baseball

'I shoulda told you guys. . . Marmaduke makes up his own rules as we go along.'

Currently Boston

Zeus injects himself with steroids before throwing lightning bolts

"All this pitching and hitting- I'm convinced there's a deeper meaning to it all."

'We went generic. The players' salaries are affordable.'

'You can all relax and resume your game. The unattended bag discovered on the infield turned out to be the second base.'

"I thought it was a strike, Troy—but ask your mother."

"Because when you're drafted by the pros, you'll have to be able to sign your contract. That's why you have to attend first grade."

Vendor selling testosterone.

"Whaddya want for nineteen mil?"