Macabre Twist Lover Pillows

An executioner practices beheading with his son on a tee-ball.

"You do realize his ‘nose so bright’ is going to attract a horde of Defense Department drones."

"Unbelievable! A tick!"

"Why didn't one of the bears just call 9-1-1 and have that girl arrested for trespassing?"

It was my story. A murder mystery. A who-done-it-and-got-away-with-it-until-he-wrote-about-it.

"I see you also took the road less travelled!"

That lovely summer day, Little Red Riding Hood decided to deviate from the script.

"Sorry kids, wrong house. This one is made of vegetables."

Rip Van Winkle, "He's survived the operation, now he's sleeping peacefully."

Death Photobombs a Holiday

"The back flip was a nice touch."

Joe, this is not my idea of 'paint night at the bar.'

"You're right...it's football strategy! I think I presented our financial proposal to the youth team I coach! I must get more sleep!"

Fairy tales reimagined for the 21st century. Jack and the Beanstalk

'This has a great ending...he shoots her.'

"Now THAT'S what I call a surprise ending!!"

"Mr. Dankin, the plumber will see you now."

Muggers nick nurses bag only to be showered in syringes

Crime

Furniture faux pas: The coffee table coffin

'A wolf in sheep's clothing is one thing, but Grandma's clothing... Are you gay or something?!'

'I wouldn't do that if I were you, mister. This saloon is made entirely of ninjas.'

'Wait a minute,' thought Bob. 'This isn't my book. And those aren't my hands.'

'You called a plumber!'

"I'm just doing this until I can break into accounting."

Next on Fox! Clowns Without Makeup.

'Gentlemen, my card! I'm a lawyer.'

". . . and now, someone who needs no introduction. . ."

"Mother, I've sold the cow on the dark web for 3 bitbeans."

Statue Selfie

"It starts out with a standard romantic plot: Boy meets Girl, Boy loses Girl, wins her back, Girl kills Boy, devours his head and lays eggs in his carcass. Ok, now here's the twist..."

Deux Ex Mechanic

Penguin emerges from freezer. Man says: 'This freezer needs defrosting.'

"I have a better idea! Let's squeeze the apple and ferment the juice!"

"When he thinks back about this years from now, he'll only remember the good probes."