Lover Of Humorous Insights T-Shirts

The first step is losing the illusion that you're in control of your actions.

"You might like my daughter. She's single and desperate too."

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"Daisy, that fall broke my leg pretty badly. You need to go get help, girl - oh, what a big stretch! Who’s a good stretcher? Daisy’s a good stretcher! What a good girl…"

'When he drinks too much he starts eating bollocks.'

'Here's a composite of our target consumer.'

Mom's Diner: I do and do and do for you and what thanks do I get? How about your business? Is that too much to ask?

"Excuse me, officer, but I believe I'm entitled to one mating call..."

Florist delivers Cactus to Man on Bed of Nails

"Frankly I'm a bit confused. According to the genetic printout this gentleman is, in fact, a goat

"Several groups have claimed responsibility."

'We dicovered that this cures hypochondria without administering it.'

'What are you implying?'

"Hey, David...what's a five letter noun for someone I couldn't live without...oh yeah, kitty!"

"Does it occur to you that the only thing separating us is a basket of bar snacks? And a flimsy basket at that?"

Home Business - Wife.

'There are no skeletons in the closets but you might have a bit of trouble with those in the back yard.'

"It's a book about how to ask for a raise, '50 shades of Pay'."

'I think you'd enjoy it even more if you understood Newton's Laws of Motion.'

'Pavlov's first experiment'

Golfer in a tree.

'You could have just TOLD me we were out of cups!'

"The Pain may be due to your Yin and Yang being out of alignment, but humour me and lets see if your broken let is part of the problem."

Meeting Melanie's parents suddenly turns awkward.

'You look lovely today.'

'I'm switching to another provider,dear.'

Dentist preparing woodwork drill for dentistry.

"You're definitely going to need an extraction."

'He was run over by our home. We live in a mobile home park.'

"I don't know about turning, but I was tossing all night."

"I came here because my photography work is suffering - everybody on social media says they love my abstract pictures. The problem is, I do landscape pictures."

"It's nice, but I fell in love with a caterpillar."

"The procedure took twelve and a half hours, during which time our team of doctors was able to put Mr. Dumpty together again."

"You will meet a tall, dark stranger. Unfortunately, it's a grizzly bear!"

"Believe me, you don't want to know where it all comes from."