Lottery Lamenter Gifts

"We've decided to change your punishment -- from now on, you will purchase a lotter ticket every week, only to have your hopes come crashing down each time you inevitably lose."

"I forsee you will have a better chance of winning the lottery than growing your testicles back."

What do MD and PHD mean? It means the doctor owes a lot of money in student loans.

"Every night the same gets legless, swearin 'n' fightin' then slumps into a stupor. . ."

"Well, it's been nice. And obviously the £10 million win hasn't change you. . . . A mug of tea an' a couple garibaldies - as tight as ever!"

'Joe has been partying hard!'

"Raymond's prospects look good, Daddy. . . He's pretty sure he's picked all six lotto numbers!"

The president of a company see a sign: While you were out we hit the lottery!

'I'm sorry, Bob, it wasn't you who won the mega-pool. It was Helen in accounting.' (to man mooning boss).

'I've been thinking about quitting, but it's the only thing that gets me out of the house.'

Highlights for Adults

Lottery - come back to eat here 20 times and you will win million dollar in lottery.

'Having the money tree has really helped out.'

'Long term I like energy and transportation stocks. Short term I like lottery tickets.'

Comparing lottery odds with bus punctuality.

"It's lotto fever."

"What lucky stranger's hitting the jackpot tonight?"

"In light of current market conditions, I've diversified your portfolio to include Lotto tickets and bingo chips."

'So glad we ticked the no publicity box.'

'This should be good. He just won the lottery!'

Happy Meals for Grown Ups

Eurozone leaders reach consensus. . .

'Congratulations! You've just won ten million dollars!'

'Think of it as a buyout package, Bob...without the 'buy' and just the 'out'!'

SMALL BUSINESS LOANS, 'Your business plan seems to depend on winning a lot of state lotteries....'

'After reviewing my student loans, I wrote my thesis on deficit spending.'

'Hello, Ma'am. I'm a college graduate selling vacuum cleaners door to door to help pay for the fortune I borrowed to take a course that had nothing to do with selling vacuums... and how are you doing?'

Banks hand out umbrellas in good weather and take them back when it rains.

Your Winning Lottery Numbers Told: 'If they are really what you say - how come you can only afford a tent?'

'Of course, it's marvellous news! Absolutely marvellous! My Word! A national lottery winner! Wonderful stroke of luck!'

"Where's the NHS money coming from? Well, I've decided that we will invest £10,000 a week into Euro lottery tickets..."

'Considering my student debt, I felt it prudent to specialize in bankruptcy law,'

Another Degree and Deeper in Debt

"The good news is, my son is a potential winner, bad news, I'm still buying his lottery tickets."

"Baldo, check it out...it's advice for people who've won the lottery."