Love Lamenter Gifts

What's the matter, Emily? Jeremy the jerk dumped me. I can't take it. My whole insides hurt. You'll be better off without him. Thanks, Twig. Youre lucky you didn't fall in love. Sigh. I wish I had a broken heart!

'Just so you know, the spoiler alert didn't ease the pain of being dumped.'

"My previous internet girlfriend recently dumped me in a rather cruel fashion...she showed no emoticon."

What do MD and PHD mean? It means the doctor owes a lot of money in student loans.

Bio Lab. You spliced phoenix DNA into a lemming? What are you trying to make? A perpetual motion machine!

'I've been thinking about quitting, but it's the only thing that gets me out of the house.'

'Think of it as a buyout package, Bob...without the 'buy' and just the 'out'!'

'After reviewing my student loans, I wrote my thesis on deficit spending.'

'Hello, Ma'am. I'm a college graduate selling vacuum cleaners door to door to help pay for the fortune I borrowed to take a course that had nothing to do with selling vacuums... and how are you doing?'

Banks hand out umbrellas in good weather and take them back when it rains.

Another Degree and Deeper in Debt

"Our love is magical. In other words, a grand illusion."

'Considering my student debt, I felt it prudent to specialize in bankruptcy law,'

Lemming meringue pie.

"When I was a child, I lost childish amounts of money, but when I became a man I put away childish losses and started losing man-sized amounts of money."

'That's because they won't let you die until you pay your student loans.'

I called Laurel an hour ago and she hasn't called me back. Do you think she still likes me?! Ahh! Now it's an hour and one minute! Love is a beautiful thing.

"We haven't lowered our fees, but we do offer discounted grief counseling."

"God, I hate cows."

Bank Student Loan Dept. You're only repaying a small fraction of your student loans? Yeah, because at this point I've forgotten almost everything I learned in college.

"This here is a little number I wrote when I recovered a repressed memory."

"It seems like nowadays nobody appreciates the problems facing the super-wealthy."

"Do you remember when all we had to worry about was growing stuff?"

'I'm now ready to make my own way in the world. But first, can you guys loan me 200 grand to pay off my student loan?'

'All right already - I'll change your litter box.'

The Trials and Tribulations of Superheroes.

"I'm full of an unspeakable sadness and it goes a little something like this..."

'It's only temporary. My student loans didn't quite carry me until social security.'

Sir Paul McCartney warns UK Culture Secretary of live music s bleak future

'Please excuse Josh's tardiness. The American academy of pediatrics has recommended a later start to the school day for teens.'

Boring Inc. It was business as usual.

'I know I'm a small investor. What makes me mad is that when I started with you I was a large investor."

'Sorry folks you've missed this cartoon.'

"Severe lactose intolerance - he can't even look at a cow."

Leftover quorn for Peel. - 'What have we here? Leftover quorn.' - 'Oh, no! Tragedy strikes... now my only option is takeaway.' -