Long-lost Relative Gifts

"Norman, there is a guy here who says he is you cousin from away....from far, far away."

'If he's only five years old, how come he knows the words to 'See the USA in your Chevrolet'?'

"I know you've been together a long time, but I'm sorry... Your microbiome can't follow you in."

'I guess you've noticed that most of these trespasses are reruns.'

"Prepare yourself for a shock. The birth records reveal you have a twin brother."

"It belonged to my great... great creepy Uncle Edgar."

'He must not have been an easy man to care for. He always had an iron will. Which brings us to what he left you.'

'Omigosh! According to your resume, we share the same father!'

Missing You#2

"Have I ever hugged you, Elkins?"

'No kid, I don't remember your mother! Christ, I've impregnated DOZENS of test-tubes!'

"Remember, Joey, Life is a good preparation for stocks -- lots of ups and downs."

"This is your great second cousin Ignacio 'Nacho' Quesada."

I'm merry Christmissing you.

'Well, well, if it isn't Ted Watt in the flesh!'

'Sir, a distant relative to see you.'

Another restraining order. This was the last time he'd try to plan a family reunion.

'It's a guest tooth brush!!! You're not the only guest we've ever had, Dale!'

"Let me remind you, Waterman, you're only a distant relative!"

"Jonathan, leave granddad alone. He's not feeling interactive."

"Please include the number of a close relative in case there's an emergency...with your insurance."

Rudy, how do you use that computer thing? The what? The thing that connects all the people together so you can waste all your time absorbed emailing and chatting and reading stupid gossip. The internet? Yes, dummy. I need to use it to see if I've got a long lost twin sister. Can you help? Sure. If you take back all the nasty things you've said about it. Impasse. Impasse. To be continued ...

"Do you have a card for the second step mother of my third wife's brother on her cousins side?"

"This is your third cousin Hermina. She was a bad gardener, but she always had the best tomatoes!"

'This is my late husband Fred, my son James, and of course, Fifi...'

"OK, so the test shows you have a large amount of wolf-DNA: that does not give you automatic entry to our pack..."

'Could you have a long-lost brother?'

'He's over-stayed his welcome and I'm starting to doubt his story about being a distant relative.'

"This is your great-great-great-great-great uncle Pernico. I heard a lot of stories about him. He really wasn't all that great."

I'm Googling a couple of old uni mates.

"Okay, okay! I'll ask the next person I see for directions!"

"It's horrible to be at the end of my life with all these regrets! Here I am, a stranger to my family because my career was more important than my family..."

You want my help searching the internet to see if we can find evidence you're got a long lost, twin sister? Okay, if you insist. I'll help you, despite your inability to graciously seek my assistance. If you insist. Ingrate. Get on with the help already, jerk!! Ha. You said the h-word.

'He's my wife's second cousin three times removed, but he keeps coming back.'

"Of course, I'm only distantly related."