Long-lost Relative Gifts

"Norman, there is a guy here who says he is you cousin from away....from far, far away."

'If he's only five years old, how come he knows the words to 'See the USA in your Chevrolet'?'

"I know you've been together a long time, but I'm sorry... Your microbiome can't follow you in."

'I guess you've noticed that most of these trespasses are reruns.'

"Prepare yourself for a shock. The birth records reveal you have a twin brother."

"It belonged to my great... great creepy Uncle Edgar."

'He must not have been an easy man to care for. He always had an iron will. Which brings us to what he left you.'

Missing You#2

'No kid, I don't remember your mother! Christ, I've impregnated DOZENS of test-tubes!'

"Have I ever hugged you, Elkins?"

'Omigosh! According to your resume, we share the same father!'

"Remember, Joey, Life is a good preparation for stocks -- lots of ups and downs."

'Well, well, if it isn't Ted Watt in the flesh!'

I'm merry Christmissing you.

"This is your great second cousin Ignacio 'Nacho' Quesada."

'Sir, a distant relative to see you.'

Another restraining order. This was the last time he'd try to plan a family reunion.

'It's a guest tooth brush!!! You're not the only guest we've ever had, Dale!'

"Let me remind you, Waterman, you're only a distant relative!"

"Please include the number of a close relative in case there's an emergency...with your insurance."

"This is your third cousin Hermina. She was a bad gardener, but she always had the best tomatoes!"

"Jonathan, leave granddad alone. He's not feeling interactive."

"Do you have a card for the second step mother of my third wife's brother on her cousins side?"

'He's over-stayed his welcome and I'm starting to doubt his story about being a distant relative.'

"OK, so the test shows you have a large amount of wolf-DNA: that does not give you automatic entry to our pack..."

"This is your great-great-great-great-great uncle Pernico. I heard a lot of stories about him. He really wasn't all that great."

I'm Googling a couple of old uni mates.

'This is my late husband Fred, my son James, and of course, Fifi...'

'Could you have a long-lost brother?'

"Okay, okay! I'll ask the next person I see for directions!"

"It's horrible to be at the end of my life with all these regrets! Here I am, a stranger to my family because my career was more important than my family..."

'He's my wife's second cousin three times removed, but he keeps coming back.'

"Of course, I'm only distantly related."

"Damn, looks like that snotty kid of Ben and Edna's is coming up the tunnel of light."